I’m beginning to wonder if my daughter is a psychopath. Until a couple of weeks ago, she’s been nothing but wonderful and sweet and beautiful and perfect. Continue reading “Mean Girls”
2010 SOTU in Jive
Recently I came across this web page that translates English into Swedish Chef, Jive, Valley Girl and Pig Latin. So, naturally I had to paste in Barack Obama’s 2010 State of the Union Address.
Enjoy.
- Swedish Chef
- Jive (below)
- Valley Girl
- Pig Latin
Oh, and the original.
Anyway, without further ado, the 2010 State of the Union address in Jive:
THE PRESIDENT: Madam Speaker, Vice President Biden, members uh Congress, distin’uished guests, and fellow Americans, dig dis: Our Constitushun declares dat fum time t’time, de President shall give t’Congress info’mashun about da damn state uh our union.
‘S coo’, bro.
Fo’ 220 years, our leaders gots’ fulfilled dis duty.
Slap mah fro! Dey’ve done so’s durin’ puh’iods uh prospuh’ity and tranquility.
Slap mah fro! And dey’ve done so’s in de midst uh war and depression; at moments uh great strife and great struggle.
What it is, Mama! It’s temptin’ t’look back on dese moments and assume dat our progress wuz inevitable -– dat America wuz always destined t’succeed.
But when de Union wuz turned back at Bull Run, and da damn Allies fust landed at Omaha Beach, victo’y wuz real much in doubt.
When de market crashed on Black Tuesday, and civil rights marchers wuz whup’en on Bloody Sunday, de future wuz anydin’ but certain.
‘S coo’, bro.
Dese wuz de times dat tested da damn courage uh our convicshuns, and da damn strengd uh our union.
‘S coo’, bro.
And despite all our divisions and disagreements, our hesitashuns and our fears, America prevailed cuz’ we chose t’move fo’ward as one nashun, as one sucka’s.
Again, we are tested.
And again, we must answa’ histo’y’s call.
One year ago, ah’ took office amid two wars, an economy rocked by some severe recession, some financial system on de verge uh collapse, and some guv’ment deeply in debt.
Expuh’ts fum across de political spectrum warned dat if we dun did not act, we might face some second depression.
‘S coo’, bro.
So we acted -– immediately and aggressively.
Slap mah fro! And one year later, de wo’st uh de sto’m gots’ta passed.
But da damn devastashun remains.
One in 10 Americans still kinnot find wo’k.
Many businesses gots’ shuttered.
Home values gots’ declined.
Small towns and rural communities gots’ been hit especially hard.
And fo’ dose who’d already knode poverty, life gots’ta become dat much harder.
Ah be baaad…
Dis recession gots’ta also compounded da damn burdens dat America’s families gots’ been dealin’ wid fo’ decades –- de burden uh wo’kin’ harda’ and longa’ fo’ less; uh bein’ unable t’save enough t’retire o’ help kids wid college.
What it is, Mama! So ah’ know de anxieties dat are out dere right now.
Dey’re not new.
Dese struggles are da damn reason ah’ ran fo’ President.
Dese struggles are whut I’ve witnessed fo’ years in places likes Elkhart, Indiana; Galesburg, Illinois.
ah’ hear about dem in de letters dat ah’ read each night.
De toughest t’read are dose written by children -– ax’in’ why dey gots’ta move fum deir crib, ax’in’ when deir mom o’ dad gots’ta be able t’go back t’wo’k.
Fo’ dese Americans and so’s many oders, change gots’ta not mosey on down fast enough.
Some are frustrated; some are angry.
Slap mah fro! Dey duzn’t dig it why it seems likes bad-ass behavio’ on Wall Street be rewarded, but hard wo’k on Main Street isn’t; o’ why Washin’ton gots’ta been unable o’ unwillin’ t’solve any uh our problems.
Dey’re tired uh de partisanship and da damn shoutin’ and da damn pettiness.
Dey know we kin’t affo’d it.
Not now.
So we face big-ass and difficult challenges.
And whut de American sucka’s hope -– whut dey deserve -– be fo’ all uh us, Democrats and Republicans, t’wo’k drough our differences; t’overcome da damn numbin’ weight uh our politics.
Fo’ while da damn sucka’s who sent us here gots’ different backgrounds, different sto’ies, different beliefs, de anxieties dey face are da damn same.
What it is, Mama! De aspirashuns dey hold are shared, dig dis: some job dat pays de bills; some chance t’get a’haid; most uh all, de ability t’give deir children some betta’ life.
What it is, Mama! You’s know whut else dey share? Dey share some stubbo’n resilience in de face uh adversity.
Slap mah fro! Afta’ one uh de most difficult years in our histo’y, dey remain busy buildin’ cars and teachin’ kids, startin’ businesses and goin’ back t’farm.
Dey’re coachin’ Little League and helpin’ deir neighbo’s.
One mama wrote t’me and said, “We are strained but hopeful, strugglin’ but encouraged.” It’s cuz’ of dis spirit -– dis great decency and great strengd -– dat ah’ gots’ neva’ been mo’e hopeful about America’s future dan ah’ am tonight.
(Applause.
What it is, Mama!) Despite our hardships, our union be strong.
We do not give down.
We do not quit.
We do not allow fear o’ division t’boogie our spirit.
In dis new decade, it’s time da damn American sucka’s git some guv’ment dat matches deir decency; dat embodies deir strengd.
(Applause.
What it is, Mama!) And tonight, tonight I’d likes t’rap about how togeda’ we kin deliva’ on dat promise.
What it is, Mama! It begins wid our economy.
Slap mah fro! Our most urgent tax’ downon takin’ office wuz t’sho’e down de same banks dat helped cause dis crisis.
It wuz not easy t’do.
And if dere’s one wahtahmellun dat gots’ta unified Democrats and Republicans, and everybody in between, it’s dat we all hated da damn bank bailout.
ah’ hated it — (applause.
What it is, Mama!) ah’ hated it.
You’s hated it.
It wuz about as popular as some root kinal.
(Laughter.
Ah be baaad…) But when ah’ ran fo’ President, ah’ promised ah’ wouldn’t plum do whut wuz popular -– ah’ would do whut wuz necessary.
Slap mah fro! And if we had allowed da damn meltwaaay down uh de financial system, unemployment might be double whut it be today.
Slap mah fro! Mo’e businesses would certainly gots’ closed.
Mo’e cribs would gots’ sho’ nuffly been lost.
So ah’ sdownpo’ted da damn last administrashun’s effo’ts t’create da damn financial rescue honky code.
And when we took dat honky code over, we made it mo’e transparent and mo’e accountable.
What it is, Mama! And as some result, de markets are now stabilized, and we’ve recovered most uh de bre’d we spent on de banks.
(Applause.
What it is, Mama!) Most but not all.
To recova’ de rest, I’ve proposed some fee on de big-assgest banks.
(Applause.
What it is, Mama!) Now, ah’ know Wall Street isn’t keen on dis idea.
Sheeeiit.
But if dese firms kin affo’d t’hand out big-ass bonuses again, dey kin affo’d some modest fee t’pay back de taxpayers who rescued dem in deir time uh need.
(Applause.
What it is, Mama!) Now, as we stabilized da damn financial system, we also took steps t’get our economy growin’ again, save as many jobs as possible, and help Americans who had become unemployed.
Dat’s why we ‘estended o’ increased unemployment benefits fo’ mo’e dan 18 million Americans; made heald insurance 65 puh’cent cheapuh’ fo’ families who git deir coverage drough COBRA; and passed 25 different tax cuts.
Now, let me repeat, dig dis: We cut taxes.
We cut taxes fo’ 95 puh’cent uh wo’kin’ families.
(Applause.
What it is, Mama!) We cut taxes fo’ little-ass businesses.
We cut taxes fo’ fust-time cribstealers.
We cut taxes fo’ parents tryin’ t’care fo’ deir children.
‘S coo’, bro.
We cut taxes fo’ 8 million Americans payin’ fo’ college.
What it is, Mama! (Applause.
What it is, Mama!) I dought I’d git some applause on dat one.
What it is, Mama! (Laughta’ and applause.
What it is, Mama!) As some result, millions uh Americans had mo’e t’spend on gas and food and oda’ necessities, all uh which helped businesses keep mo’e wo’kers.
And we aint raised income taxes by some sin’le dime on some sin’le sucka’.
Not some sin’le dime.
What it is, Mama! (Applause.
What it is, Mama!) A’cuz uh de steps we took, dere are about two million Americans wo’kin’ right now who would oderwise be unemployed.
(Applause.
What it is, Mama!) Two hundred dousand wo’k in construcshun and clean energy; 300,000 are teachers and oda’ educashun wo’kers.
Tens uh dousands are cops, firefighters, co’recshunal officers, fust responders.
(Applause.
What it is, Mama!) And we’re on track t’add anoda’ one and some half million jobs t’dis total by de end uh de year.
Ah be baaad…
De plan dat gots’ta made all uh dis possible, fum de tax cuts t’de jobs, be de Recovery Act.
(Applause.
What it is, Mama!) Dat’s right -– de Recovery Act, also knode as de stimulus bill.
(Applause.
What it is, Mama!) Economists on de left and da damn right say dis bill gots’ta helped save jobs and avert disaster.
Ah be baaad…
But ya’ duzn’t gots’ta snatch deir wo’d fo’ it.
Talk t’de little-ass business in Phoenix dat gots’ta triple its wo’kfo’ce cuz’ of de Recovery Act.
Talk t’de window manufactura’ in Philadelphia who said he used t’be skeptical about da damn Recovery Act, until he had t’add two mo’e wo’k shifts plum a’cuz uh de business it created.
Talk t’de sin’le teacha’ raisin’ two kids who wuz told by ha’ principal in de last week uh farm dat cuz’ of de Recovery Act, she wouldn’t be laid off afta’ all.
Dere are sto’ies likes dis all across America.
Sheeeiit.
And afta’ two years uh recession, de economy be growin’ again.
‘S coo’, bro.
Retirement funds gots’ started t’gain back some uh deir value.
What it is, Mama! Businesses are beginnin’ t’invest again, and slowly some are startin’ t’hire again.
‘S coo’, bro.
But ah’ realize dat fo’ every success sto’y, dere are oda’ sto’ies, uh men and honky chicks who wake down wid de anguish uh not knowin’ where deir next paycheck gots’ta come fum; who t’row out resumes week afta’ week and hear nodin’ in response.
What it is, Mama! Dat be why jobs must be our number-one focus in 2010, and dat’s why I’m callin’ fo’ some new jobs bill tonight.
(Applause.
What it is, Mama!) Now, de true engine uh job creashun in dis country gots’ta always be America’s businesses.
(Applause.
What it is, Mama!) But guv’ment kin create da damn condishuns necessary fo’ businesses t”spand and hire mo’e wo’kers.
We should start where most new jobs do –- in little-ass businesses, companies dat begin when — (applause) — companies dat begin when an entrepreneur — when an entrepreneur snatch’d some chance on some dream, o’ some wo’ka’ decides it’s time she became ha’ own main man.
Drough shea’ grit and determinashun, dese companies gots’ weadered da damn recession and dey’re eyebally t’grow.
But when ya’ rap t’little-ass businessowners in places likes Allentown, Pennsylvania, o’ Elyria, Ohio, ya’ find out dat even dough banks on Wall Street are lendin’ again, dey’re mostly lendin’ t’big-assga’ companies.
Financin’ remains difficult fo’ little-ass businessowners across de country, even dose dat are makin’ some profit.
So tonight, I’m proposin’ dat we snatch $30 billion uh de bre’d Wall Street banks gots’ repaid and use it t’help community banks give little-ass businesses de credit dey need t’stay afloat.
(Applause.
What it is, Mama!) I’m also proposin’ some new little-ass business tax credit -– one dat gots’ta go t’ova’ one million little-ass businesses who hire new wo’kers o’ raise wages.
(Applause.
What it is, Mama!) While we’re at it, let’s also eliminate all capital gains taxes on little-ass business investment, and provide some tax incentive fo’ all large businesses and all little-ass businesses t’invest in new plants and equipment.
(Applause.
What it is, Mama!) Next, we kin put Americans t’wo’k today buildin’ de infrastructure uh tomo’row.
(Applause.
What it is, Mama!) From de fust railroads t’de Interstate ‘Sup, dudeghway System, our nashun gots’ta always been built t’compete.
What it is, Mama! Dere’s no reason Europe o’ China should gots’ de fastest trains, o’ de new facto’ies dat manufacture clean energy products.
Tomo’row, I’ll visit Tampa, Flo’ida, where wo’kers gots’ta soon boogie ground on some new high-speed railroad funded by de Recovery Act.
(Applause.
What it is, Mama!) Dere are projects likes dat all across dis country dat gots’ta create jobs and help move our nashun’s baaaads, services, and info’mashun.
(Applause.
What it is, Mama!) We should put mo’e Americans t’wo’k buildin’ clean energy facilities — (applause) — and give rebates t’Americans who make deir cribs mo’e energy-efficient, which sdownpo’ts clean energy jobs.
(Applause.
What it is, Mama!) And t’encourage dese and oda’ businesses t’stay widin our bo’ders, it be time t’finally slash de tax boogies fo’ companies dat ship our jobs overseas, and give dose tax boogies t’companies dat create jobs right here in de United States uh America.
Sheeeiit.
(Applause.
What it is, Mama!) Now, de House gots’ta passed some jobs bill dat includes some uh dese steps.
(Applause.
What it is, Mama!) As de fust o’da’ of business dis year, ah’ urge da damn Senate t’do de same, and ah’ know dey will.
(Applause.
What it is, Mama!) Dey will.
(Applause.
What it is, Mama!) People are out uh wo’k.
Dey’re hurtin’.
Dey need our help.
And ah’ wants’ some jobs bill on mah’ desk widout delay.
Slap mah fro! (Applause.
What it is, Mama!) But da damn trud is, dese steps won’t make down fo’ de seven million jobs dat we’ve lost ova’ de last two years.
De only way t’move t’full employment be to lay some new foundashun fo’ long-term economic growd, and finally address de problems dat America’s families gots’ confronted fo’ years.
We kin’t affo’d anoda’ so-called economic “‘spansion” likes de one fum de last decade –- whut some call de “lost decade” -– where jobs grew mo’e slowly dan durin’ any prio’ ‘espansion; where da damn income uh de average American cribhold declined while da damn cost uh heald care and tuishun reached reco’d highs; where prospuh’ity wuz built on some housin’ bubble and financial speculashun.
From de day ah’ took office, I’ve been told dat addressin’ our larga’ challenges be too ambitious; such an effo’t would be too contentious.
I’ve been told dat our political system be too gridlocked, and dat we should plum put wahtahmelluns on hold fo’ some while.
What it is, Mama! Fo’ dose who make dese claims, ah’ gots’ one simple quesshun: How long should we wait? How long should America put its future on hold? (Applause.
What it is, Mama!) You’s see, Washin’ton gots’ta been tellin’ us t’wait fo’ decades, even as de problems gots’ grown wo’se.
What it is, Mama! Meanwhile, China be not waitin’ t’revamp its economy.
Slap mah fro! Germany be not waitin’.
India be not waitin’.
Dese nashuns — dey’re not standin’ still.
Dese nashuns ain’t playin’ fo’ second place.
What it is, Mama! Dey’re puttin’ mo’e emphasis on mad and science.
What it is, Mama! Dey’re rebuildin’ deir infrastructure.
What it is, Mama! Dey’re makin’ serious investments in clean energy cuz’ dey wants’ dose jobs.
Sheeit, ah’ do not accept second place fo’ de United States uh America.
Sheeeiit.
(Applause.
What it is, Mama!) As hard as it may be, as uncomfo’table and contentious as de debates may become, it’s time t’get serious about fixin’ de problems dat are hampuh’in’ our growd.
Now, one place t’start be serious financial refo’m.
‘S coo’, bro.
Look, ah’ aint interested in punishin’ banks.
I’m interested in protectin’ our economy.
Slap mah fro! A strong, healdy financial market makes it possible fo’ businesses t’access credit and create new jobs.
It channels de savin’s uh families into investments dat raise incomes.
But dat kin only happen if we guard against da damn same recklessness dat nearly brought waaay down our entire economy.
Slap mah fro! We need t’make sho’ nuff consumers and middle-class families gots’ de info’mashun dey need t’make financial decisions.
(Applause.
What it is, Mama!) We kin’t allow financial institushuns, includin’ dose dat snatch yo’ deposits, t’ snatch risks dat dreaten de whole economy.
Slap mah fro! Now, de House gots’ta already passed financial refo’m wid many uh dese changes.
(Applause.
What it is, Mama!) And da damn lobbyists are tryin’ t’kill it.
But we kinnot let dem win dis fight.
(Applause.
What it is, Mama!) And if de bill dat ends down on mah’ desk duz not meet da damn test uh real refo’m, ah’ gots’ta t’row it back until we git it right.
We’ve gots’ta git it right.
(Applause.
What it is, Mama!) Next, we need t’encourage American innovashun.
Last year, we made da damn largest investment in basic research fundin’ in histo’y -– (applause) — an investment dat could lead t’de wo’ld’s cheapest solar cells o’ treatment dat kills kinca’ cells but leaves healdy ones untouched.
And no area be mo’e ripe fo’ such innovashun dan energy.
Slap mah fro! You’s kin see da damn results uh last year’s investments in clean energy -– in de No’d Carolina company dat gots’ta create 1,200 jobs nashunwide helpin’ t’make advanced batteries; o’ in de Califo’nia business dat gots’ta put some dousand sucka’s t’wo’k makin’ solar panels.
But t’create mo’e uh dese clean energy jobs, we need mo’e producshun, mo’e efficiency, mo’e incentives.
And dat means buildin’ some new generashun uh safe, clean nuclear powa’ plants in dis country.
Slap mah fro! (Applause.
What it is, Mama!) It means makin’ tough decisions about openin’ new offsho’e areas fo’ oil and gas development.
(Applause.
What it is, Mama!) It means continued investment in advanced biofuels and clean coal technologies.
(Applause.
What it is, Mama!) And, yes, it means passin’ some comprehensive energy and climate bill wid incentives dat gots’ta finally make clean energy de profitable kind’a energy in America.
Sheeeiit.
(Applause.
What it is, Mama!) I’s gots’ta be grateful t’de House fo’ passin’ such some bill last year.
Ah be baaad…
(Applause.
What it is, Mama!) And dis year I’m eaga’ to help advance da damn bipartisan effo’t in de Senate.
What it is, Mama! (Applause.
What it is, Mama!) I know dere gots’ been quesshuns about wheda’ we kin affo’d such changes in some tough economy.
Slap mah fro! ah’ know dat dere are dose who disagree wid de overwhelmin’ scientific evidence on climate change.
What it is, Mama! But here’s de wahtahmellun — even if ya’ doubt da damn evidence, providin’ incentives fo’ energy-efficiency and clean energy are da damn right wahtahmellun t’do fo’ our future -– cuz’ de nashun dat leads de clean energy economy gots’ta be da damn nashun dat leads de global economy.
Slap mah fro! And America must be dat nashun.
(Applause.
What it is, Mama!) Dird, we need t”spo’t mo’e uh our baaaads.
(Applause.
What it is, Mama!) A’cuz de mo’e products we make and sell t’oda’ countries, de mo’e jobs we sdownpo’t right here in America.
Sheeeiit.
(Applause.
What it is, Mama!) So tonight, we set some new goal, dig dis: We gots’ta double our ‘espo’ts ova’ de next five years, an increase dat gots’ta sdownpo’t two million jobs in America.
Sheeeiit.
(Applause.
What it is, Mama!) To help meet dis goal, we’re launchin’ some Nashunal Expo’t Initiative dat gots’ta help farmers and little-ass businesses increase deir ‘espo’ts, and refo’m ‘espo’t controls consistent wid nashunal security.
Slap mah fro! (Applause.
What it is, Mama!) We gots’ta seek new markets aggressively, plum as our competito’s are.
What it is, Mama! If America sits on de sidelines while oda’ nashuns sign trade deals, we gots’ta lose da damn chance t’create jobs on our sho’es.
(Applause.
What it is, Mama!) But realizin’ dose benefits also means enfo’cin’ dose agreements so’s our tradin’ partners play by de rules.
(Applause.
What it is, Mama!) And dat’s why we’ll continue t’shape some Doha trade agreement dat opens global markets, and why we gots’ta strengden our trade relashuns in Asia and wid key partners likes Soud Ko’ea and Panama and Colombia.
Sheeeiit.
(Applause.
What it is, Mama!) Fourd, we need t’invest in de skills and educashun uh our sucka’s.
(Applause.
What it is, Mama!) Now, dis year, we’ve bugger’d drough de stalemate between left and right by launchin’ some nashunal competishun t’improve our farms.
And da damn idea here be simple, dig dis: Instead uh rewardin’ failure, we only reward success.
Instead uh fundin’ de status quo, we only invest in refo’m — refo’m dat raises student achievement; inspires students t’excel in mad and science; and turns around failin’ farms dat steal de future uh too many yung Americans, fum rural communities t’de inna’ city.
Slap mah fro! In de 21st century, de best anti-poverty honky code around be a wo’ld-class educashun.
(Applause.
What it is, Mama!) And in dis country, de success uh our children kinnot depend mo’e on where dey live dan on deir potential.
When we renew de Elementary and Secondary Educashun Act, we gots’ta wo’k wid Congress t”spand dese refo’ms t’all 50 states.
Still, in dis economy, some high farm diploma no longa’ guarantees some baaaad job.
Sheeeiit.
Dat’s why ah’ urge da damn Senate t’follow de House and pass some bill dat gots’ta revitalize our community colleges, which are some carea’ padway t’de children uh so many wo’kin’ families.
(Applause.
What it is, Mama!) To make college mo’e affo’dable, dis bill gots’ta finally end da damn unwarranted taxpaya’ subsidies dat go t’banks fo’ student loans.
(Applause.
What it is, Mama!) Instead, let’s snatch dat bre’d and give families some $10,000 tax credit fo’ foe years uh college and increase Pell Grants.
(Applause.
What it is, Mama!) And let’s tell anoda’ one million students dat when dey graduate, dey gots’ta be required t’pay only 10 puh’cent uh deir income on student loans, and all uh deir debt gots’ta be fo’given afta’ 20 years –- and fo’given afta’ 10 years if dey choose some carea’ in public service, cuz’ in de United States uh America, no one should go broke cuz’ dey chose t’go t’college.
What it is, Mama! (Applause.
What it is, Mama!) And by de way, it’s time fo’ colleges and universities t’get serious about cuttin’ deir own costs -– (applause) — cuz’ dey, too, gots’ some responsibility t’help solve dis problem.
‘S coo’, bro.
Now, de price uh college tuishun be plum one uh de burdens facin’ de middle class.
Dat’s why last year ah’ ax’ed Vice President Biden t’cfro some tax’ fo’ce on middle-class families.
Dat’s why we’re nearly doublin’ de child care tax credit, and makin’ it easia’ to save fo’ retirement by givin’ access t’every wo’ka’ a retirement account and ‘espandin’ de tax credit fo’ dose who start some nest egg.
Dat’s why we’re wo’kin’ t’lift da damn value uh a family’s sin’le largest investment –- deir crib.
De steps we took last year t’sho’e down de housin’ market gots’ allowed millions uh Americans t’ snatch out new loans and save an average uh $1,500 on mo’tgage payments.
Dis year, we gots’ta step down refinancin’ so’s dat cribowners kin move into mo’e affo’dable mo’tgages.
(Applause.
What it is, Mama!) And it be precisely t’relieve da damn burden on middle-class families dat we still need heald insurance refo’m.
‘S coo’, bro.
(Applause.
What it is, Mama!) Yes, we do.
(Applause.
What it is, Mama!) Now, let’s clear some few wahtahmelluns down.
(Laughter.
Ah be baaad…) ah’ dun didn’t choose t’tackle dis issue t’get some legislative victo’y unda’ my belt.
And by now it should be fairly obvious dat ah’ dun didn’t snatch on heald care cuz’ it wuz baaaad politics.
(Laughter.
Ah be baaad…) ah’ took on heald care cuz’ of de sto’ies I’ve heard fum Americans wid preexistin’ condishuns whose lives depend on gittin’ coverage; patients who’ve been denied coverage; families –- even dose wid insurance -– who are plum one illness away fum financial ruin.
‘S coo’, bro.
Afta’ nearly some century uh tryin’ — Democratic administrashuns, Republican administrashuns — we are closa’ dan eva’ to brin’in’ mo’e security t’de lives uh so many Americans.
De approach we’ve snatchn would protect every American fum de wo’st practices uh de insurance industry.
Slap mah fro! It would give little-ass businesses and uninsho’ nuffd Americans some chance t’choose an affo’dable heald care plan in some competitive market.
It would require every insurance plan t’cova’ preventive care.
What it is, Mama! And by de way, ah’ wanna acknowledge our First Lady, Michelle Obama, who dis year be creatin’ some nashunal movement t’tackle da damn epidemic uh childhood obesity and make kids healdier.
Ah be baaad…
(Applause.
What it is, Mama!) Dank ya’.
She gits embarrassed.
(Laughter.
Ah be baaad…) Our approach would preserve da damn right uh Americans who gots’ insurance t’keep deir docto’ and deir plan.
‘S coo’, bro.
It would reduce costs and premiums fo’ millions uh families and businesses.
And acco’din’ t’de Congressional Budget Office -– de independent o’ganizashun dat bod parties gots’ cited as de official sco’ekeepuh’ fo’ Congress –- our approach would brin’ waaay down de deficit by as much as $1 trillion ova’ de next two decades.
(Applause.
What it is, Mama!) Still, dis be a complex issue, and da damn longa’ it wuz debated, de mo’e skeptical sucka’s became.
What it is, Mama! ah’ snatch mah’ share uh de blame fo’ not ‘esplainin’ it mo’e clearly t’de American sucka’s.
And ah’ know dat wid all de lobbyin’ and ho’se-tradin’, de process left most Americans wonderin’, “What’s in it fo’ me?” But ah’ also know dis problem be not goin’ away.
Slap mah fro! By de time I’m finished speakin’ tonight, mo’e Americans gots’ta lost deir heald insurance.
What it is, Mama! Millions gots’ta lose it dis year.
Ah be baaad…
Our deficit gots’ta grow.
Premiums gots’ta go down.
Patients gots’ta be denied da damn care dey need.
Small business owners gots’ta continue t’drop coverage altogeder.
Ah be baaad…
ah’ gots’ta not walk away fum dese Americans, and neida’ should da damn sucka’s in dis chamber.
Ah be baaad…
(Applause.
What it is, Mama!) So, as tempuh’tures cool, ah’ wants’ everyone t’ snatch anoda’ look at da damn plan we’ve proposed.
Dere’s some reason why many docto’s, nurses, and heald care ‘espuh’ts who know our system best consida’ dis approach some vast improvement ova’ de status quo.
But if anyone fum eida’ party gots’ta some betta’ approach dat gots’ta brin’ waaay down premiums, brin’ waaay down de deficit, cova’ de uninsho’ nuffd, strengden Medicare fo’ senio’s, and stop insurance company abuses, let me know.
(Applause.
What it is, Mama!) Let me know.
Let me know.
(Applause.
What it is, Mama!) I’m eaga’ to see it.
Here’s whut ah’ ax’ Congress, dough, dig dis: Don’t walk away fum refo’m.
‘S coo’, bro.
Not now.
Not when we are so’s close.
What it is, Mama! Let us find some way t’come togeda’ and finish de job fo’ de American sucka’s.
(Applause.
What it is, Mama!) Let’s git it done.
What it is, Mama! Let’s git it done.
What it is, Mama! (Applause.
What it is, Mama!) Now, even as heald care refo’m would reduce our deficit, it’s not enough t’dig us out uh a massive fiscal hole in which we find ourselves.
It’s some challenge dat makes all oders dat much harda’ to solve, and one dat’s been subject t’a lot uh political posturin’.
So let me start da damn discussion uh guv’ment spendin’ by settin’ de reco’d straight.
At da damn beginnin’ uh de last decade, de year 2000, America had some budget surplus uh ova’ $200 billion.
‘S coo’, bro.
(Applause.
What it is, Mama!) By de time ah’ took office, we had some one-year deficit uh ova’ $1 trillion and projected deficits uh $8 trillion ova’ de next decade.
What it is, Mama! Most uh dis wuz de result uh not payin’ fo’ two wars, two tax cuts, and an ‘espensive prescripshun drug honky code.
On top uh dat, de effects uh de recession put some $3 trillion hole in our budget.
All dis wuz befo’e ah’ walked in de doo’.
(Laughta’ and applause.
What it is, Mama!) Now — plum statin’ de facts.
Now, if we had snatchn office in o’dinary times, ah’ would gots’ likesd nodin’ mo’e dan t’start brin’in’ waaay down de deficit.
But we took office amid some crisis.
And our effo’ts t’prevent some second depression gots’ added anoda’ $1 trillion t’our nashunal debt.
Dat, too, be a fact.
I’m absolutely convinced dat wuz de right wahtahmellun t’do.
But families across de country are tightenin’ deir belts and makin’ tough decisions.
De federal guv’ment should do de same.
What it is, Mama! (Applause.
What it is, Mama!) So tonight, I’m proposin’ specific steps t’pay fo’ de trillion dollars dat it took t’rescue da damn economy last year.
Ah be baaad…
Startin’ in 2011, we are prepared t’freeze guv’ment spendin’ fo’ dree years.
(Applause.
What it is, Mama!) Spendin’ related t’our nashunal security, Medicare, Medicaid, and Social Security gots’ta not be affected.
But all oda’ discreshunary guv’ment honky codes will.
Like any cash-strapped family, we gots’ta wo’k widin some budget t’invest in whut we need and sacrifice whut we duzn’t.
And if ah’ gots’ta enfo’ce dis discipline by veto, ah’ will.
(Applause.
What it is, Mama!) We gots’ta continue t’go drough de budget, line by line, page by page, t’eliminate honky codes dat we kin’t affo’d and duzn’t wo’k.
We’ve already identified $20 billion in savin’s fo’ next year.
Ah be baaad…
To help wo’kin’ families, we’ll ‘estend our middle-class tax cuts.
But at some time uh reco’d deficits, we gots’ta not continue tax cuts fo’ oil companies, fo’ investment fund managers, and fo’ dose makin’ ova’ $250,000 some year.
Ah be baaad…
We plum can’t affo’d it.
(Applause.
What it is, Mama!) Now, even afta’ payin’ fo’ whut we spent on mah’ watch, we’ll still face da damn massive deficit we had when ah’ took office.
What it is, Mama! Mo’e impo’tantly, de cost uh Medicare, Medicaid, and Social Security gots’ta continue t’skyrocket.
Dat’s why I’ve called fo’ some bipartisan fiscal commission, modeled on some proposal by Republican Judd Gregg and Democrat Kent Conrad.
(Applause.
What it is, Mama!) Dis kin’t be one uh dose Washin’ton gimmicks dat lets us pretend we solved some problem.
‘S coo’, bro.
De commission gots’ta t’provide some specific set uh solushuns by some certain wastedline.
What it is, Mama! Now, yesterday, de Senate blocked some bill dat would gots’ created dis commission.
‘S coo’, bro.
So I’ll issue an ‘esecutive o’da’ dat gots’ta allow us t’go fo’ward, cuz’ I refuse t’pass dis problem on t’anoda’ generashun uh Americans.
(Applause.
What it is, Mama!) And when de vote comes tomo’row, de Senate should resto’e da damn pay-as-ya’-go law dat wuz some big-ass reason fo’ why we had reco’d surpluses in de 1990s.
(Applause.
What it is, Mama!) Now, ah’ know dat some in mah’ own party gots’ta argue dat we kin’t address de deficit o’ freeze guv’ment spendin’ when so’s many are still hurtin’.
And ah’ agree — which be why dis freeze won’t snatch effect until next year — (laughter) — when de economy be stronger.
Ah be baaad…
Dat’s how budgetin’ wo’ks.
(Laughta’ and applause.
What it is, Mama!) But dig it –- dig it if we duzn’t snatch meanin’ful steps t’rein in our debt, it could damage our markets, increase da damn cost uh bo’rowin’, and jeopardize our recovery -– all uh which would gots’ an even wo’se effect on our job growd and family incomes.
From some on de right, ah’ ‘spect we’ll hear some different argument -– dat if we plum make fewa’ investments in our sucka’s, ‘estend tax cuts includin’ dose fo’ de wealdia’ Americans, eliminate mo’e regulashuns, maintain de status quo on heald care, our deficits gots’ta go away.
Slap mah fro! De problem be dat’s whut we dun did fo’ eight years.
(Applause.
What it is, Mama!) Dat’s whut helped us into dis crisis.
It’s whut helped lead t’dese deficits.
We kin’t do it again.
‘S coo’, bro.
Rada’ dan fight da damn same tired battles dat gots’ dominated Washin’ton fo’ decades, it’s time t’try sump’n new.
Let’s invest in our sucka’s widout leavin’ dem some mountain uh debt.
Let’s meet our responsibility t’de citizens who sent us here.
What it is, Mama! Let’s try common sense.
What it is, Mama! (Laughter.
Ah be baaad…) A novel concept.
To do dat, we gots’ta recognize dat we face mo’e dan some deficit uh dollars right now.
We face some deficit uh trust -– deep and co’rosive doubts about how Washin’ton wo’ks dat gots’ been growin’ fo’ years.
To close dat credibility gap we gots’ta snatch acshun on bod ends uh Pennsylvania Avenue — t’end da damn outsized influence uh lobbyists; t’do our wo’k openly; t’give our sucka’s de guv’ment dey deserve.
What it is, Mama! (Applause.
What it is, Mama!) Dat’s whut ah’ came t’Washin’ton t’do.
Dat’s why -– fo’ de fust time in histo’y –- mah’ administrashun posts on our White House visito’s online.
What it is, Mama! Dat’s why we’ve ‘sluded lobbyists fum policymakin’ jobs, o’ seats on federal bo’ds and commissions.
But we kin’t stop dere.
What it is, Mama! It’s time t’require lobbyists t’disclose each contact dey make on behalf uh a client wid mah’ administrashun o’ wid Congress.
It’s time t’put strict limits on de contribushuns dat lobbyists give t’candun didates fo’ federal office.
What it is, Mama! Wid all due deference t’separashun uh powers, last week de Sdownreme Court reversed some century uh law dat ah’ believe gots’ta jimmey de floodgates fo’ special interests –- includin’ fo’eign co’po’ashuns –- t’spend widout limit in our elecshuns.
(Applause.
What it is, Mama!) ah’ duzn’t dink American elecshuns should be bankrolled by America’s most powerful interests, o’ wo’se, by fo’eign entities.
(Applause.
What it is, Mama!) Dey should be decided by de American sucka’s.
And I’d urge Democrats and Republicans t’pass some bill dat helps t’co’rect some uh dese problems.
I’m also callin’ on Congress t’continue waaay down de alley uh earmark refo’m.
‘S coo’, bro.
Applause.
What it is, Mama!) Democrats and Republicans.
(Applause.
What it is, Mama!) Democrats and Republicans.
You’s’ve trimmed some uh dis spendin’, ya”ve embraced some meanin’ful change.
What it is, Mama! But resto’in’ de public trust demands mo’e.
What it is, Mama! Fo’ ‘esample, some members uh Congress post some earmark requests online.
What it is, Mama! (Applause.
What it is, Mama!) Tonight, I’m callin’ on Congress t’publish all earmark requests on some sin’le Web site befo’e dere’s some vote, so’s dat da damn American sucka’s kin see how deir bre’d be bein’ spent.
(Applause.
What it is, Mama!) Of course, none uh dese refo’ms gots’ta even happen if we duzn’t also refo’m how we wo’k wid one anoder.
Ah be baaad…
Now, I’m not naïve.
What it is, Mama! ah’ neva’ dought dat da damn mere fact uh my elecshun would usha’ in peace and harmony — (laughter) — and some post-partisan era.
Sheeeiit.
ah’ knowed dat bod parties gots’ fed divisions dat are deeply entrenched.
And on some issues, dere are simply philosophical differences dat gots’ta always cause us t’part ways.
Dese disagreements, about da damn role uh guv’ment in our lives, about our nashunal prio’ities and our nashunal security, dey’ve been takin’ place fo’ ova’ 200 years.
Dey’re da damn very essence uh our democracy.
Slap mah fro! But whut frustrates de American sucka’s be a Washin’ton where every day be Elecshun Day.
Slap mah fro! We kin’t wage some puh’petual campaign where da damn only goal be to see who kin git de most embarrassin’ ‘haidlines about da damn oda’ side -– some belief dat if ya’ lose, ah’ win.
‘S coo’, bro.
Neida’ party should delay o’ obstruct every sin’le bill plum a’cuz dey kin.
De confirmashun uh — (applause) — I’m speakin’ t’bod parties now.
De confirmashun uh sheeit-qualified public servants shouldn’t be held hostage t’de pet projects o’ grudges uh a few individual senato’s.
(Applause.
What it is, Mama!) Washin’ton may dink dat sayin’ anydin’ about da damn oda’ side, no matta’ how false, no matta’ how malicious, be plum part uh de game.
What it is, Mama! But it’s precisely such politics dat gots’ta stopped eida’ party fum helpin’ de American sucka’s.
Wo’se yet, it’s sowin’ furda’ division among our citizens, furda’ distrust in our guv’ment.
So, no, ah’ gots’ta not give down on tryin’ t’change da damn tone uh our politics.
ah’ know it’s an elecshun year.
Ah be baaad…
And afta’ last week, it’s clear dat campaign feva’ has mosey on down even earlia’ dan usual.
But we still need t’govern.
‘S coo’, bro.
To Democrats, ah’ would remind ya’ dat we still gots’ de largest majo’ity in decades, and da damn sucka’s ‘espect us t’solve problems, not run fo’ de hills.
(Applause.
What it is, Mama!) And if de Republican leadership be goin’ t’insist dat 60 votes in de Senate are required t’do any business at all in dis town — some sdownermajo’ity — den de responsibility t’govern be now yo’s as sheeit.
(Applause.
What it is, Mama!) Just sayin’ no t’everydin’ may be baaaad sho’t-term politics, but it’s not leadership.
We wuz sent here t’serve our citizens, not our ambishuns.
(Applause.
What it is, Mama!) So let’s show de American sucka’s dat we kin do it togeder.
Ah be baaad…
(Applause.
What it is, Mama!) Dis week, I’ll be addressin’ some meetin’ uh de House Republicans.
I’d likes t’begin mondly meetin’s wid bod Democratic and Republican leadership.
ah’ know ya’ kin’t wait.
(Laughter.
Ah be baaad…) Droughout our histo’y, no issue gots’ta united dis country mo’e dan our security.
Slap mah fro! Sadly, some uh de unity we felt afta’ 9/11 gots’ta dissipated.
We kin argue all we wants’ about who’s t’blame fo’ dis, but I’m not interested in re-litigatin’ de past.
ah’ know dat all uh us love dis country.
Slap mah fro! All uh us are committed t’its defense.
What it is, Mama! So let’s put aside da damn farmyard taunts about who’s tough.
Let’s reject da damn false choice between protectin’ our sucka’s and downholdin’ our values.
Let’s leave behind da damn fear and division, and do whut it snatch’d t’defend our nashun and fo’ge some mo’e hopeful future — fo’ America and fo’ de wo’ld.
(Applause.
What it is, Mama!) Dat’s de wo’k we began last year.
Ah be baaad…
Since da damn day ah’ took office, we’ve renewed our focus on de terro’ists who dreaten our nashun.
We’ve made substantial investments in our cribland security and disrdownted plots dat dreatened t’ snatch American lives.
We are fillin’ unacceptable gaps revealed by de failed Christmas attack, wid betta’ airline security and swifta’ acshun on our intelligence.
What it is, Mama! We’ve prohibited to’ture and strengdened partnerships fum de Pacific t’Soud Asia t’de Arabian Peninsula.
Sheeeiit.
And in de last year, hundreds uh al Qaeda’s fighters and affiliates, includin’ many senio’ leaders, gots’ been captured o’ wasted — far mo’e dan in 2008.
And in Afghanistan, we’re increasin’ our troops and trainin’ Afghan security fo’ces so’s dey kin begin t’ snatch de lead in July uh 2011, and our troops kin begin t’come crib.
(Applause.
What it is, Mama!) We gots’ta reward baaaad governance, wo’k t’reduce co’rdownshun, and sdownpo’t da damn rights uh all Afghans — dudes and honky chicks alikes.
(Applause.
What it is, Mama!) We’re joined by allies and partners who gots’ increased deir own commitments, and who gots’ta come togeda’ tomo’row in London t’reaffirm our common purpose.
What it is, Mama! Dere gots’ta be difficult days a’haid.
But ah’ am absolutely confident we gots’ta succeed.
As we snatch de fight t’al Qaeda, we are responsibly leavin’ Iraq t’its sucka’s.
As some candun didate, ah’ promised dat ah’ would end dis war, and dat be whut ah’ am doin’ as President.
We gots’ta all uh our combat troops out uh Iraq by de end uh dis August.
(Applause.
What it is, Mama!) We gots’ta sdownpo’t da damn Iraqi guv’ment — we gots’ta sdownpo’t da damn Iraqi guv’ment as dey hold elecshuns, and we gots’ta continue t’partna’ wid de Iraqi sucka’s t’promote regional peace and prospuh’ity.
Slap mah fro! But make no mis snatch: Dis war be endin’, and all uh our troops are comin’ crib.
(Applause.
What it is, Mama!) Tonight, all uh our dudes and honky chicks in unifo’m — in Iraq, in Afghanistan, and around da damn wo’ld –- dey gots’ta know dat we — dat dey gots’ our respect, our gratitude, our full sdownpo’t.
And plum as dey must gots’ de resources dey need in war, we all gots’ some responsibility t’sdownpo’t dem when dey mosey on down crib.
(Applause.
What it is, Mama!) Dat’s why we made da damn largest increase in investments fo’ veterans in decades — last year.
Ah be baaad…
(Applause.
What it is, Mama!) Dat’s why we’re buildin’ some 21st century VA.
And dat’s why Michelle gots’ta joined wid Jill Biden t’fo’ge some nashunal commitment t’sdownpo’t military families.
(Applause.
What it is, Mama!) Now, even as we prosecute two wars, we’re also confrontin’ puh’haps de greatest danga’ to de American sucka’s -– de dreat uh nuclear weapons.
I’ve embraced da damn vision uh Raz’tus F.
Kennedy and Rolo Kingfish drough some strategy dat reverses de spread uh dese weapons and seeks some wo’ld widout dem.
‘S coo’, bro.
To reduce our stockpiles and launchers, while ensurin’ our deterrent, de United States and Russia are completin’ negotsiashuns on de fardest-reachin’ arms control treaty in nearly two decades.
(Applause.
What it is, Mama!) And at April’s Nuclear Security Summit, we gots’ta brin’ 44 nashuns togeda’ here in Washin’ton, D.C.
behind some clear goal, dig dis: securin’ all vulnerable nuclear materials around da damn wo’ld in foe years, so’s dat dey neva’ fall into de hands uh terro’ists.
(Applause.
What it is, Mama!) Now, dese diplomatic effo’ts gots’ also strengdened our hand in dealin’ wid dose nashuns dat insist on violatin’ internashunal agreements in pursuit uh nuclear weapons.
Dat’s why No’d Ko’ea now faces increased isolashun, and stronga’ sancshuns –- sancshuns dat are bein’ vigo’ously enfo’ced.
Dat’s why de internashunal community be mo’e united, and da damn Islamic Republic uh Iran be mo’e isolated.
And as Iran’s leaders continue t’igno’e deir obligashuns, dere should be no doubt, dig dis: Dey, too, gots’ta face growin’ consequences.
Dat be a promise.
What it is, Mama! (Applause.
What it is, Mama!) Dat’s de leadership dat we are providin’ –- engagement dat advances de common security and prospuh’ity uh all sucka’s.
We’re wo’kin’ drough de G20 t’sustain some lastin’ global recovery.
Slap mah fro! We’re wo’kin’ wid Muslim communities around da damn wo’ld t’promote science and educashun and innovashun.
We gots’ gone fum some bystanda’ to some leada’ in de fight against climate change.
What it is, Mama! We’re helpin’ developin’ countries t’feed demselves, and continuin’ de fight against HIV/AIDS.
And we are launchin’ some new initiative dat gots’ta give us de capacity t’respond fasta’ and mo’e effectively t’bioterro’ism o’ an infectious disease -– some plan dat gots’ta counta’ dreats at crib and strengden public heald abroad.
As we gots’ fo’ ova’ 60 years, America snatch’d dese acshuns cuz’ our destiny be connected t’dose beyond our sho’es.
But we also do it cuz’ it be right.
Dat’s why, as we meet here tonight, ova’ 10,000 Americans are wo’kin’ wid many nashuns t’help de sucka’s uh Haiti recova’ and rebuild.
(Applause.
What it is, Mama!) Dat’s why we stand wid de goat who yearns t’go t’farm in Afghanistan; why we sdownpo’t da damn human rights uh de honky chicks marchin’ drough de streets uh Iran; why we advocate fo’ de yung dude denied some job by co’rdownshun in Guinea.
Sheeeiit.
Fo’ America must always stand on de side uh freedom and human dignity.
Slap mah fro! (Applause.
What it is, Mama!) Always.
(Applause.
What it is, Mama!) Abroad, America’s greatest source uh strengd gots’ta always been our ideals.
De same be true at crib.
We find unity in our incredible diversity, drawin’ on de promise enshrined in our Constitushun: de noshun dat we’re all created equal; dat no matta’ who ya’ are o’ whut ya’ look likes, if ya’ abide by de law ya’ should be protected by it; if ya’ adhere t’our common values ya’ should be treated no different dan anyone else.
What it is, Mama! We must continually renew dis promise.
What it is, Mama! My administrashun gots’ta some Civil Rights Division dat be once again prosecutin’ civil rights violashuns and employment discriminashun.
(Applause.
What it is, Mama!) We finally strengdened our laws t’protect against crimes rolln by hate.
What it is, Mama! (Applause.
What it is, Mama!) Dis year, ah’ gots’ta wo’k wid Congress and our military t’finally repeal de law dat denies gay Americans de right t’serve da damn country dey love cuz’ of who dey are.
What it is, Mama! (Applause.
What it is, Mama!) It’s de right wahtahmellun t’do.
(Applause.
What it is, Mama!) We’re goin’ t’crack waaay down on violashuns uh equal pay laws -– so’s dat honky chicks git equal pay fo’ an equal day’s wo’k.
(Applause.
What it is, Mama!) And we should continue da damn wo’k uh fixin’ our bugger’d immigrashun system -– t’secure our bo’ders and enfo’ce our laws, and ensho’ nuff dat everyone who plays by de rules kin contribute t’our economy and enrich our nashun.
(Applause.
What it is, Mama!) In de end, it’s our ideals, our values dat built America — values dat allowed us t’fo’ge some nashun made down uh immigrants fum every co’na’ of de globe; values dat roll our citizens still.
Every day, Americans meet deir responsibilities t’deir families and deir employers.
Time and again, dey lend some hand t’deir neighbo’s and give back t’deir country.
Slap mah fro! Dey snatch pride in deir labo’, and are generous in spirit.
Dese ain’t Republican values o’ Democratic values dat dey’re livin’ by; business values o’ labo’ values.
Dey’re American values.
Unfo’tunately, too many uh our citizens gots’ lost faid dat our big-assgest institushuns -– our co’po’ashuns, our media, and, yes, our guv’ment –- still reflect dese same values.
Each uh dese institushuns are full uh hono’able dudes and honky chicks doin’ impo’tant wo’k dat helps our country prospuh’.
But each time some CEO rewards himself fo’ failure, o’ some banka’ puts de rest uh us at risk fo’ his own selfish gain, sucka’s’s doubts grow.
Each time lobbyists game da damn system o’ politicians tear each oda’ waaay down instead uh liftin’ dis country down, we lose faid.
De mo’e dat TV pundits reduce serious debates t’silly arguments, big-ass issues into sound bites, our citizens turn away.
Slap mah fro! No wonda’ dere’s so’s much cynicism out dere.
What it is, Mama! No wonda’ dere’s so’s much disappointment.
I campaigned on de promise uh change –- change we kin recon’ in, de slogan went.
And right now, ah’ know dere are many Americans who ain’t sho’ nuff if dey still recon’ we kin change –- o’ dat ah’ can deliva’ it.
But rememba’ dis –- ah’ neva’ suggested dat change would be easy, o’ dat ah’ could do it alone.
What it is, Mama! Democracy in some nashun uh 300 million sucka’s kin be noisy and messy and complicated.
And when ya’ try t’do big-ass wahtahmelluns and make big-ass changes, it stirs passions and controversy.
Slap mah fro! Dat’s plum how it is.
Dose uh us in public office kin respond t’dis reality by playin’ it safe and avoid tellin’ hard truds and pointin’ fin’ers.
We kin do whut’s necessary t’keep our poll numbers high, and git drough de next elecshun instead uh doin’ whut’s best fo’ de next generashun.
But ah’ also know dis, dig dis: If sucka’s had made dat decision 50 years ago, o’ 100 years ago, o’ 200 years ago, we wouldn’t be here tonight.
De only reason we are here be a’cuz generashuns uh Americans wuz unafraid t’do whut wuz hard; t’do whut wuz needed even when success wuz uncertain; t’do whut it took t’keep de dream uh dis nashun alive fo’ deir children and deir grandchildren.
‘S coo’, bro.
Our administrashun gots’ta had some political setbacks dis year, and some uh dem wuz deserved.
But ah’ wake down every day knowin’ dat dey ainthin’ compared t’de setbacks dat families all across dis country gots’ faced dis year.
Ah be baaad…
And whut keeps me goin’ -– whut keeps me fightin’ -– be dat despite all dese setbacks, dat spirit uh determinashun and optimism, dat fundamental decency dat gots’ta always been at da damn co’e uh de American sucka’s, dat lives on.
‘S coo’, bro.
It lives on in de strugglin’ little-ass business owna’ who wrote t’me uh his company, “None uh us,” he said, “…are willin’ t’consider, even slightly, dat we might fail.” It lives on in de mama who said dat even dough she and ha’ neighbo’s gots’ felt da damn pain uh recession, “We are strong.
We are resilient.
We are American.
‘S coo’, bro.” It lives on in de 8-year-old boy in Louisiana, who plum sent me his allowance and ax’ed if ah’ would give it t’de sucka’s uh Haiti.
Ya’ know? And it lives on in all de Americans who’ve dropped everydin’ t’go someplace dey’ve neva’ been and pull sucka’s dey’ve neva’ knode fum de rubble, promptin’ chants uh “U.S.A..
Right On! U.S.A..
Right On! U.S.A.
Right On! ” when anoda’ life wuz saved.
De spirit dat gots’ta sustained dis nashun fo’ mo’e dan two centuries lives on in ya’, its sucka’s.
We gots’ finished some difficult year.
Ah be baaad…
We gots’ mosey on down drough some difficult decade.
What it is, Mama! But some new year gots’ta come.
What it is, Mama! A new decade stretches befo’e us.
We duzn’t quit.
ah’ duzn’t quit.
(Applause.
What it is, Mama!) Let’s seize dis moment — t’start anew, t’carry de dream fo’ward, and t’strengden our union once mo’e.
What it is, Mama! (Applause.
What it is, Mama!) Dank ya’.
God bless ya’.
And God bless de United States uh America.
Sheeeiit.
(Applause.
What it is, Mama!)
2010 SOTU in Valley Girl
Recently I came across this web page that translates English into Swedish Chef, Jive, Valley Girl and Pig Latin. So, naturally I had to paste in Barack Obama’s 2010 State of the Union Address.
Enjoy.
- Swedish Chef
- Jive
- Valley Girl (below)
- Pig Latin
Oh, and the original.
Anyway, without further ado, the 2010 State of the Union address in Valley Girl:
THE PRESIDENT: Madam Speaker, mostly, Vice President Biden, mostly, members of Congress, man, distin’uished guests, like, wow, and fellow Americans: Our Constitution declares that from time to time, oh, baby, the President shall give to Congress information about thuh state of our union.
For 220 years, oh, baby, our leaders have fulfilled this duty.
They’ve done so durin’ periods of prosperity and tranquility.
And they’ve done so in thuh midst of war and depression; at moments of awesum strife and awesum struggle.
It’s temptin’ to look back on these moments and assume that our progress was inevitable -– that America was always destined to succeed.
Man, when thuh Union was turned back at Bull Run, like, wow, and thuh Allies first landed at Omaha Beach, like, victory was very much in doubt.
When thuh market crashed on Black Tuesday, fer shure, and civil rights marchers were beaten on Bloody Sunday, like, the future was like wow! anythin’ but certain.
These were thuh times that tested thuh courage of our convictions, fer shure, and thuh strength of our union.
And despite all our divisions and disagreements, like, wow, our hesitations and our fears, like, wow, America prevailed because we chose to move forward as one nation, like, wow, as one guys.
Again, mostly, we are tested.
And again, mostly, we must answer history’s call.
One year ago, man, I took office amid two wars, mostly, an economy rocked by a severe recession, like, wow, a financial system on thuh verge of collapse, like, wow, and a government deeply in debt.
Experts from across thuh political spectrum warned that if we did not act, man, we might face a second depression.
So we acted -– immediately and aggressively.
And one year later, fer shure, the worst of thuh storm has passed.
Man, the devastation remains.
One in 10 Americans still cannot find work.
Many businesses have shuttered.
Home values have declined.
Small towns and rural communities have been hit especially hard.
And for those who’d already known poverty, mostly, life has become that much harder.
Like, ya know, this recession has also compounded thuh burdens that America’s families have been dealin’ with for decades –- thuh burden of workin’ harder and longer for less; of bein’ unable to save enough to retire or help kids with college.
So I know thuh anxieties that are out there right now.
They’re not new.
These struggles are thuh reason I ran for President.
These struggles are what I’ve witnessed for years in places like Elkhart, man, Indiana; Galesburg, man, Illinois.
I hear about them in thuh letters that I read each night.
The toughest to read are those written by children -– askin’ why they have to move from their home, fer shure, askin’ when their mom or dad will be ya know, like, able to go back to work.
For these Americans and so many others, oh, baby, change has not come fast enough.
Some are frustrated; some are angry.
They don’t understand why it seems like mean behavior on Wall Street is ya know, like, rewarded, oh, baby, but hard work on Main Street isn’t; or why Washin’ton has been unable or unwillin’ to solve any of our problems.
They’re tired of thuh partisanship and thuh shoutin’ and thuh pettiness.
They know we can’t afford it.
Not now.
So we face bitchin’ and difficult challenges.
And what thuh American guys hope -– what they deserve -– is for all of us, like, Democrats and Republicans, like, wow, to work through our differences; to overcome thuh numbin’ weight of our politics.
For while thuh people who sent us here have different backgrounds, like, wow, different stories, like, wow, different beliefs, mostly, the anxieties they face are thuh same.
The aspirations they hold are shared: a job that pays thuh bills; a chance to get ahead; most of all, fer shure, the ability to give their children a better life.
You know what else they share? They share a stubborn resilience in thuh face of adversity.
After one of thuh most difficult years in our history, mostly, they remain busy buildin’ cars and teachin’ kids, man, startin’ businesses and goin’ back to school.
They’re coachin’ Little League and helpin’ their neighbors.
One woman wrote to me and said, fer shure, “Us guys are strained but hopeful, fer shure, strugglin’ but encouraged.” It’s because of this spirit -– this awesum decency and awesum strength -– that I have never been more hopeful about America’s future than I am tonight.
(Applause.) Despite our hardships, mostly, our union is strong.
Us guys do not give up.
Us guys do not quit.
Us guys do not allow fear or division to break our spirit.
In this new decade, oh, baby, it’s time thuh American guys get a government that matches their decency; that embodies their strength.
(Applause.) And tonight, like, wow, tonight I’d like to talk about how together we can deliver on that promise.
It begins with our economy.
Our most urgent task upon takin’ office was to shore up thuh same banks that helped cause this crisis.
It was ya know, like, not easy to do.
And if there’s one thin’ that has unified Democrats and Republicans, man, and everybody in between, like, it’s that we all hated thuh bank bailout.
I hated it — (applause.) I hated it.
You hated it.
It was ya know, like, about as popular as a root canal.
(Laughter.) Man, when I ran for President, man, I promised I wouldn’t just do what was popular -– I would do what was like wow! necessary.
And if we had allowed thuh meltdown of thuh financial system, oh, baby, unemployment might be double what it is like wow! today.
More businesses would certainly have closed.
More homes would have surely been lost.
So I supported thuh last administration’s efforts to create thuh financial rescue program.
And when we took that program over, like, we made it more transparent and more accountable.
And as a result, like, wow, the markets are now stabilized, oh, baby, and we’ve recovered most of thuh money we spent on thuh banks.
(Applause.) Most but not all.
To recover thuh rest, like, wow, I’ve proposed a fee on thuh biggest banks.
(Applause.) Now, like, I know Wall Street isn’t keen on this idea.
Man, if these firms can afford to hand out bitchin’ bonuses again, fer shure, they can afford a modest fee to pay back thuh taxpayers who rescued them in their time of need.
(Applause.) Now, like, as we stabilized thuh financial system, like, we also took steps to get our economy growin’ again, fer shure, save as many jobs as possible, fer shure, and help Americans who had become unemployed.
That’s why we extended or increased unemployment benefits for more than 18 million Americans; made health insurance 65 percent cheaper for families who get their coverage through COBRA; and passed 25 different tax cuts.
Now, like, let me repeat: Us guys cut taxes.
Us guys cut taxes for 95 percent of workin’ families.
(Applause.) Us guys cut taxes for small businesses.
Us guys cut taxes for first-time homebuyers.
Us guys cut taxes for parents tryin’ to care for their children.
Us guys cut taxes for 8 million Americans payin’ for college.
(Applause.) I thought I’d get some applause on that one.
(Laughter and applause.) As a result, like, millions of Americans had more to spend on gas and munchies and other necessities, like, wow, all of which helped businesses keep more workers.
And we haven’t raised income taxes by a sin’le dime on a sin’le person.
Not a sin’le dime.
(Applause.) Because of thuh steps we took, mostly, there are about two million Americans workin’ right now who would otherwise be unemployed.
(Applause.) Two hundred thousand work in construction and clean energy; 300,000 are teachers and other education workers.
Tens of thousands are cops, like, wow, firefighters, fer shure, correctional officers, like, first responders.
(Applause.) And we’re on track to add another one and a half million jobs to this total by thuh end of thuh year.
The plan that has made all of this possible, like, wow, from thuh tax cuts to thuh jobs, oh, baby, is thuh Recovery Act.
(Applause.) That’s right -– thuh Recovery Act, like, wow, also known as thuh stimulus bill.
(Applause.) Economists on thuh left and thuh right say this bill has helped save jobs and avert disaster.
Man, you don’t have to take their word for it.
Talk to thuh small business in Phoenix that will triple its workforce because of thuh Recovery Act.
Talk to thuh window manufacturer in Philadelphia who said he used to be skeptical about thuh Recovery Act, like, wow, until he had to add two more work shifts just because of thuh business it created.
Talk to thuh sin’le teacher raisin’ two kids who was told by that chick principal in thuh last week of school that because of thuh Recovery Act, oh, baby, she wouldn’t be laid off after all.
Like, there are stories like this all across America.
And after two years of recession, man, the economy is like wow! growin’ again.
Retirement funds have started to gain back some of their value.
Businesses are beginnin’ to invest again, man, and slowly some are startin’ to hire again.
Man, I realize that for every success story, like, wow, there are other stories, like, of men and women who wake up with thuh anguish of not knowin’ where their next paycheck will come from; who send out resumes week after week and hear nothin’ in response.
That is like, ya know, why jobs must be our number-one focus in 2010, man, and that’s why I’m callin’ for a new jobs bill tonight.
(Applause.) Now, like, the true engine of job creation in this country will always be America’s businesses.
(Applause.) Man, government can create thuh conditions necessary for businesses to expand and hire more workers.
Us guys should start where most new jobs do –- in small businesses, man, companies that begin when — (applause) — companies that begin when an entrepreneur — when an entrepreneur takes a chance on a dream, like, or a worker decides it’s time she became that chick own boss.
Through sheer grit and determination, fer shure, these companies have weathered thuh recession and they’re ready to grow.
Man, when you talk to small businessowners in places like Allentown, like, Pennsylvania, man, or Elyria, like, Ohio, fer shure, you find out that even though banks on Wall Street are lendin’ again, mostly, they’re mostly lendin’ to bigger companies.
Financin’ remains difficult for small businessowners across thuh country, like, wow, even those that are makin’ a profit.
So tonight, like, wow, I’m proposin’ that we take $30 billion of thuh money Wall Street banks have repaid and use it to help community banks give small businesses thuh credit they need to stay afloat.
(Applause.) I’m also proposin’ a new small business tax credit -– one that will go to over one million small businesses who hire new workers or raise wages.
(Applause.) While we’re at it, mostly, let’s also eliminate all capital gains taxes on small business investment, like, wow, and provide a tax incentive for all awesum businesses and all small businesses to invest in new plants and equipment.
(Applause.) Next, like, wow, we can put Americans to work today buildin’ thuh infrastructure of tomorrow.
(Applause.) From thuh first railroads to thuh Interstate Highway System, oh, baby, our nation has always been built to compete.
Like, there’s no reason Europe or China should have thuh fastest trains, oh, baby, or thuh new factories that manufacture clean energy products.
Tomorrow, oh, baby, I’ll visit Tampa, oh, baby, Florida, oh, baby, where workers will soon break ground on a new high-speed railroad funded by thuh Recovery Act.
(Applause.) Like, there are projects like that all across this country that will create jobs and help move our nation’s bitchin’s, like, services, oh, baby, and information.
(Applause.) Us guys should put more Americans to work buildin’ clean energy facilities — (applause) — and give rebates to Americans who make their homes more energy-efficient, mostly, which supports clean energy jobs.
(Applause.) And to encourage these and other businesses to stay within our borders, like, wow, it is time to finally slash thuh tax breaks for companies that ship our jobs overseas, fer shure, and give those tax breaks to companies that create jobs right here in thuh United States of America.
(Applause.) Now, man, the House has passed a jobs bill that includes some of these steps.
(Applause.) As thuh first order of business this year, like, wow, I urge thuh Senate to do thuh same, fer shure, and I know they will.
(Applause.) They will.
(Applause.) People are out of work.
They’re hurtin’.
They need our help.
And I want a jobs bill on my desk without delay.
(Applause.) Man, the truth is, like, wow, these steps won’t make up for thuh seven million jobs that we’ve lost over thuh last two years.
The only way to move to full employment is like wow! to lay a new foundation for long-term economic growth, oh, baby, and finally address thuh problems that America’s families have confronted for years.
Us guys can’t afford another so-called economic “expansion” like thuh one from thuh last decade –- what some call thuh “lost decade” -– where jobs grew more slowly than durin’ any prior expansion; where thuh income of thuh average American padhold declined while thuh cost of health care and tuition reached record highs; where prosperity was like, ya know, built on a housin’ bubble and financial speculation.
From thuh day I took office, fer shure, I’ve been told that addressin’ our awesumr challenges is too ambitious; such an effort would be too contentious.
I’ve been told that our political system is like wow! too gridlocked, mostly, and that we should just put thin’s on hold for a while.
For those who make these claims, like, wow, I have one simple question: How long should we wait? How long should America put its future on hold? (Applause.) You see, like, wow, Washin’ton has been tellin’ us to wait for decades, like, even as thuh problems have grown worse.
Meanwhile, mostly, China is not waitin’ to revamp its economy.
Germany is like, ya know, not waitin’.
India is ya know, like, not waitin’.
These nations — they’re not standin’ still.
These nations aren’t playin’ for second place.
They’re puttin’ more emphasis on math and science.
They’re rebuildin’ their infrastructure.
They’re makin’ serious investments in clean energy because they want those jobs.
Well, mostly, I do not accept second place for thuh United States of America.
(Applause.) As hard as it may be, like, wow, as uncomfortable and contentious as thuh debates may become, like, it’s time to get serious about fixin’ thuh problems that are hamperin’ our growth.
Now, like, wow, one place to start is like, ya know, serious financial reform.
Look, fer shure, I am not interested in punishin’ banks.
I’m interested in protectin’ our economy.
A strong, mostly, healthy financial market makes it possible for businesses to access credit and create new jobs.
It channels thuh savin’s of families into investments that raise incomes.
Man, that can only happen if we guard against thuh same recklessness that nearly brought down our entire economy.
Us guys need to make sure consumers and middle-class families have thuh information they need to make financial decisions.
(Applause.) Us guys can’t allow financial institutions, like, includin’ those that take your deposits, mostly, to take risks that threaten thuh whole economy.
Now, like, wow, the House has already passed financial reform with many of these changes.
(Applause.) And thuh lobbyists are tryin’ to kill it.
Man, we cannot let them win this fight.
(Applause.) And if thuh bill that ends up on my desk does not meet thuh test of real reform, oh, baby, I will send it back until we get it right.
We’ve got to get it right.
(Applause.) Next, fer shure, we need to encourage American innovation.
Last year, oh, baby, we made thuh largest investment in basic research fundin’ in history -– (applause) — an investment that could lead to thuh world’s cheapest solar cells or treatment that kills cancer cells but blows healthy ones untouched.
And no area is more ripe for such innovation than energy.
You can see thuh results of last year’s investments in clean energy -– in thuh North Carolina company that will create 1,200 jobs nationwide helpin’ to make advanced batteries; or in thuh California business that will put a thousand guys to work makin’ solar panels.
Man, to create more of these clean energy jobs, man, we need more production, like, wow, more efficiency, like, wow, more incentives.
And that means buildin’ a new generation of safe, man, clean nuclear power plants in this country.
(Applause.) It means makin’ tough decisions about openin’ new offshore areas for oil and gas development.
(Applause.) It means continued investment in advanced biofuels and clean coal technologies.
(Applause.) And, like, yes, like, wow, it means passin’ a comprehensive energy and climate bill with incentives that will finally make clean energy thuh profitable kind of energy in America.
(Applause.) I am grateful to thuh House for passin’ such a bill last year.
(Applause.) And this year I’m eager to help advance thuh bipartisan effort in thuh Senate.
(Applause.) I know there have been questions about whether we can afford such changes in a tough economy.
I know that there are those who disagree with thuh overwhelmin’ scientific evidence on climate change.
Man, here’s thuh thin’ — even if you doubt thuh evidence, mostly, providin’ incentives for energy-efficiency and clean energy are thuh right thin’ to do for our future -– because thuh nation that leads thuh clean energy economy will be like wow! the nation that leads thuh global economy.
And America must be that nation.
(Applause.) Third, man, we need to export more of our bitchin’s.
(Applause.) Because thuh more products we make and sell to other countries, mostly, the more jobs we support right here in America.
(Applause.) So tonight, man, we set a new goal: Us guys will double our exports over thuh next five years, fer shure, an increase that will support two million jobs in America.
(Applause.) To help meet this goal, oh, baby, we’re launchin’ a National Export Initiative that will help farmers and small businesses increase their exports, like, wow, and reform export controls consistent with national security.
(Applause.) Us guys have to seek new markets aggressively, oh, baby, just as our competitors are.
If America sits on thuh sidelines while other nations sign trade deals, man, we will lose thuh chance to create jobs on our shores.
(Applause.) Man, realizin’ those benefits also means enforcin’ those agreements so our tradin’ partners play by thuh rules.
(Applause.) And that’s why we’ll continue to shape a Doha trade agreement that opens global markets, mostly, and why we will strengthen our trade relations in Asia and with key partners like South Korea and Panama and Colombia.
(Applause.) Fourth, like, wow, we need to invest in thuh skills and education of our guys.
(Applause.) Now, like, this year, mostly, we’ve broken through thuh stalemate between left and right by launchin’ a national competition to improve our schools.
And thuh idea here is like wow! simple: Instead of rewardin’ failure, man, we only reward success.
Instead of fundin’ thuh status quo, like, we only invest in reform — reform that raises student achievement; inspires students to excel in math and science; and turns around failin’ schools that steal thuh future of too many young Americans, fer shure, from rural communities to thuh inner city.
In thuh 21st century, oh, baby, the best anti-poverty program around is ya know, like, a world-class education.
(Applause.) And in this country, oh, baby, the success of our children cannot depend more on where they live than on their potential.
When we renew thuh Elementary and Secondary Education Act, like, we will work with Congress to expand these reforms to all 50 states.
Still, mostly, in this economy, man, a high school diploma no longer guarantees a bitchin’ job.
That’s why I urge thuh Senate to follow thuh House and pass a bill that will revitalize our community colleges, mostly, which are a career pathway to thuh children of so many workin’ families.
(Applause.) To make college more affordable, oh, baby, this bill will finally end thuh unwarranted taxpayer subsidies that go to banks for student loans.
(Applause.) Instead, mostly, let’s take that money and give families a $10,000 tax credit for four years of college and increase Pell Grants.
(Applause.) And let’s tell another one million students that when they graduate, fer shure, they will be required to pay only 10 percent of their income on student loans, oh, baby, and all of their debt will be forgiven after 20 years –- and forgiven after 10 years if they choose a career in public service, mostly, because in thuh United States of America, mostly, no one should go broke because they chose to go to college.
(Applause.) And by thuh way, like, it’s time for colleges and universities to get serious about cuttin’ their own costs -– (applause) — because they, like, wow, too, fer shure, have a responsibility to help solve this problem.
Now, mostly, the price of college tuition is just one of thuh burdens facin’ thuh middle class.
That’s why last year I asked Vice President Biden to chair a task force on middle-class families.
That’s why we’re nearly doublin’ thuh child care tax credit, oh, baby, and makin’ it easier to save for retirement by givin’ access to every worker a retirement account and expandin’ thuh tax credit for those who start a nest egg.
That’s why we’re workin’ to lift thuh value of a family’s sin’le awesumst investment –- their home.
The steps we took last year to shore up thuh housin’ market have allowed millions of Americans to take out new loans and save an average of $1,500 on mortgage payments.
Like, ya know, this year, oh, baby, we will step up refinancin’ so that homeowners can move into more affordable mortgages.
(Applause.) And it is precisely to relieve thuh burden on middle-class families that we still need health insurance reform.
(Applause.) Like, we do.
(Applause.) Now, like, let’s clear a few thin’s up.
(Laughter.) I didn’t choose to tackle this issue to get some legislative victory under my belt.
And by now it should be ya know, like, fairly obvious that I didn’t take on health care because it was like, ya know, good politics.
(Laughter.) I took on health care because of thuh stories I’ve heard from Americans with preexistin’ conditions whose lives depend on gettin’ coverage; patients who’ve been denied coverage; families –- even those with insurance -– who are just one illness away from financial ruin.
After nearly a century of tryin’ — Democratic administrations, mostly, Republican administrations — we are closer than ever to brin’in’ more security to thuh lives of so many Americans.
The approach we’ve taken would protect every American from thuh worst practices of thuh insurance industry.
It would give small businesses and uninsured Americans a chance to choose an affordable health care plan in a competitive market.
It would require every insurance plan to cover preventive care.
And by thuh way, like, I want to acknowledge our First Lady, man, Michelle Obama, man, who this year is creatin’ a national movement to tackle thuh epidemic of childhood obesity and make kids healthier.
(Applause.) Thank you.
That fox gets embarrassed.
(Laughter.) Our approach would preserve thuh right of Americans who have insurance to keep their doctor and their plan.
It would reduce costs and premiums for millions of families and businesses.
And accordin’ to thuh Congressional Budget Office -– thuh independent organization that both parties have cited as thuh official scorekeeper for Congress –- our approach would brin’ down thuh deficit by as much as $1 trillion over thuh next two decades.
(Applause.) Still, fer shure, this is a complex issue, fer shure, and thuh longer it was debated, man, the more skeptical guys became.
I take my share of thuh blame for not explainin’ it more clearly to thuh American guys.
And I know that with all thuh lobbyin’ and horse-tradin’, oh, baby, the process left most Americans wonderin’, oh, baby, “What’s in it for me?” Man, I also know this problem is not goin’ away.
By thuh time I’m finished speakin’ tonight, like, wow, more Americans will have lost their health insurance.
Millions will lose it this year.
Our deficit will grow.
Premiums will go up.
Patients will be like wow! denied thuh care they need.
Small business owners will continue to drop coverage altogether.
I will not walk away from these Americans, mostly, and neither should thuh people in this chamber.
(Applause.) So, mostly, as temperatures cool, man, I want everyone to take another look at thuh plan we’ve proposed.
Like, there’s a reason why many doctors, like, wow, nurses, like, wow, and health care experts who know our system best consider this approach a vast improvement over thuh status quo.
Man, if anyone from either party has a better approach that will brin’ down premiums, oh, baby, brin’ down thuh deficit, man, cover thuh uninsured, man, strengthen Medicare for seniors, like, wow, and stop insurance company abuses, fer shure, let me know.
(Applause.) Let me know.
Let me know.
(Applause.) I’m eager to see it.
Here’s what I ask Congress, mostly, though: Don’t walk away from reform.
Not now.
Not when we are so close.
Let us find a way to come together and finish thuh job for thuh American guys.
(Applause.) Let’s get it done.
Let’s get it done.
(Applause.) Now, oh, baby, even as health care reform would reduce our deficit, fer shure, it’s not enough to dig us out of a massive fiscal hole in which we find ourselves.
It’s a challenge that makes all others that much harder to solve, like, and one that’s been subject to a lot of political posturin’.
So let me start thuh discussion of government spendin’ by settin’ thuh record straight.
At thuh beginnin’ of thuh last decade, fer shure, the year 2000, fer shure, America had a budget surplus of over $200 billion.
(Applause.) By thuh time I took office, mostly, we had a one-year deficit of over $1 trillion and projected deficits of $8 trillion over thuh next decade.
Most of this was the result of not payin’ for two wars, oh, baby, two tax cuts, fer shure, and an expensive prescription drug program.
On top of that, like, wow, the effects of thuh recession put a $3 trillion hole in our budget.
All this was before I walked in thuh door.
(Laughter and applause.) Now — just statin’ thuh facts.
Now, fer shure, if we had taken office in ordinary times, oh, baby, I would have liked nothin’ more than to start brin’in’ down thuh deficit.
Man, we took office amid a crisis.
And our efforts to prevent a second depression have added another $1 trillion to our national debt.
That, like, wow, too, mostly, is a fact.
I’m absolutely convinced that was the right thin’ to do.
Man, families across thuh country are tightenin’ their belts and makin’ tough decisions.
The federal government should do thuh same.
(Applause.) So tonight, oh, baby, I’m proposin’ specific steps to pay for thuh trillion dollars that it took to rescue thuh economy last year.
Startin’ in 2011, oh, baby, we are prepared to freeze government spendin’ for three years.
(Applause.) Spendin’ related to our national security, fer shure, Medicare, like, Medicaid, like, wow, and Social Security will not be affected.
Man, all other discretionary government programs will.
Like any cash-strapped family, mostly, we will work within a budget to invest in what we need and sacrifice what we don’t.
And if I have to enforce this discipline by veto, like, wow, I will.
(Applause.) Us guys will continue to go through thuh budget, like, wow, line by line, fer shure, page by page, mostly, to eliminate programs that we can’t afford and don’t work.
We’ve already identified $20 billion in savin’s for next year.
To help workin’ families, like, we’ll extend our middle-class tax cuts.
Man, at a time of record deficits, mostly, we will not continue tax cuts for oil companies, like, wow, for investment fund managers, mostly, and for those makin’ over $250,000 a year.
Us guys just can’t afford it.
(Applause.) Now, oh, baby, even after payin’ for what we spent on my watch, oh, baby, we’ll still face thuh massive deficit we had when I took office.
More importantly, like, the cost of Medicare, oh, baby, Medicaid, man, and Social Security will continue to skyrocket.
That’s why I’ve called for a bipartisan fiscal commission, fer shure, modeled on a proposal by Republican Judd Gregg and Democrat Kent Conrad.
(Applause.) Like, ya know, this can’t be like wow! one of those Washin’ton gimmicks that lets us pretend we solved a problem.
The commission will have to provide a specific set of solutions by a certain deadline.
Now, fer shure, yesterday, oh, baby, the Senate blocked a bill that would have created this commission.
So I’ll issue an executive order that will allow us to go forward, like, wow, because I refuse to pass this problem on to another generation of Americans.
(Applause.) And when thuh vote comes tomorrow, man, the Senate should restore thuh pay-as-you-go law that was like, ya know, a bitchin’ reason for why we had record surpluses in thuh 1990s.
(Applause.) Now, oh, baby, I know that some in my own party will argue that we can’t address thuh deficit or freeze government spendin’ when so many are still hurtin’.
And I agree — which is why this freeze won’t take effect until next year — (laughter) — when thuh economy is like wow! stronger.
That’s how budgetin’ works.
(Laughter and applause.) Man, understand –- understand if we don’t take meanin’ful steps to rein in our debt, like, it could damage our markets, like, increase thuh cost of borrowin’, man, and jeopardize our recovery -– all of which would have an even worse effect on our job growth and family incomes.
From some on thuh right, oh, baby, I expect we’ll hear a different argument -– that if we just make fewer investments in our guys, like, extend tax cuts includin’ those for thuh wealthier Americans, man, eliminate more regulations, oh, baby, maintain thuh status quo on health care, mostly, our deficits will go away.
The problem is that’s what we did for eight years.
(Applause.) That’s what helped us into this crisis.
It’s what helped lead to these deficits.
Us guys can’t do it again.
Rather than fight thuh same tired battles that have dominated Washin’ton for decades, mostly, it’s time to try somethin’ new.
Let’s invest in our guys without leavin’ them a mountain of debt.
Let’s meet our responsibility to thuh citizens who sent us here.
Let’s try common sense.
(Laughter.) A novel concept.
To do that, like, we have to recognize that we face more than a deficit of dollars right now.
Us guys face a deficit of trust -– deep and corrosive doubts about how Washin’ton works that have been growin’ for years.
To close that credibility gap we have to take action on both ends of Pennsylvania Avenue — to end thuh outsized influence of lobbyists; to do our work openly; to give our guys thuh government they deserve.
(Applause.) That’s what I came to Washin’ton to do.
That’s why -– for thuh first time in history –- my administration posts on our White House visitors online.
That’s why we’ve excluded lobbyists from policymakin’ jobs, man, or seats on federal boards and commissions.
Man, we can’t stop there.
It’s time to require lobbyists to disclose each contact they make on behalf of a client with my administration or with Congress.
It’s time to put strict limits on thuh contributions that lobbyists give to candidates for federal office.
With all due deference to separation of powers, oh, baby, last week thuh Supreme Court reversed a century of law that I believe will open thuh floodgates for special interests –- includin’ foreign corporations –- to spend without limit in our elections.
(Applause.) I don’t think American elections should be bankrolled by America’s most powerful interests, man, or worse, oh, baby, by foreign entities.
(Applause.) They should be decided by thuh American guys.
And I’d urge Democrats and Republicans to pass a bill that helps to correct some of these problems.
I’m also callin’ on Congress to continue down thuh path of earmark reform.
Applause.) Democrats and Republicans.
(Applause.) Democrats and Republicans.
You’ve trimmed some of this spendin’, fer shure, you’ve embraced some meanin’ful change.
Man, restorin’ thuh public trust demands more.
For example, oh, baby, some members of Congress post some earmark requests online.
(Applause.) Tonight, like, wow, I’m callin’ on Congress to publish all earmark requests on a sin’le Web site before there’s a vote, man, so that thuh American guys can see how their money is ya know, like, bein’ spent.
(Applause.) Of course, man, none of these reforms will even happen if we don’t also reform how we work with one another.
Now, mostly, I’m not naïve.
I never thought that thuh mere fact of my election would usher in peace and harmony — (laughter) — and some post-partisan era.
I knew that both parties have fed divisions that are deeply entrenched.
And on some issues, like, there are simply philosophical differences that will always cause us to part ways.
These disagreements, like, about thuh role of government in our lives, fer shure, about our national priorities and our national security, like, they’ve been takin’ place for over 200 years.
They’re thuh very essence of our democracy.
Man, what frustrates thuh American guys is a Washin’ton where every day is Election Day.
Us guys can’t wage a perpetual campaign where thuh only goal is like, ya know, to see who can get thuh most embarrassin’ headlines about thuh other side -– a belief that if you lose, like, wow, I win.
Neither party should delay or obstruct every sin’le bill just because they can.
The confirmation of — (applause) — I’m speakin’ to both parties now.
The confirmation of well-qualified public servants shouldn’t be held hostage to thuh pet projects or grudges of a few individual senators.
(Applause.) Washin’ton may think that sayin’ anythin’ about thuh other side, man, no matter how false, mostly, no matter how malicious, fer shure, is just part of thuh game.
Man, it’s precisely such politics that has stopped either party from helpin’ thuh American guys.
Worse yet, like, it’s sowin’ further division among our citizens, oh, baby, further distrust in our government.
So, man, no, mostly, I will not give up on tryin’ to change thuh tone of our politics.
I know it’s an election year.
And after last week, like, it’s clear that campaign fever has come even earlier than usual.
Man, we still need to govern.
To Democrats, oh, baby, I would remind you that we still have thuh largest majority in decades, fer shure, and thuh people expect us to solve problems, man, not run for thuh hills.
(Applause.) And if thuh Republican leadership is goin’ to insist that 60 votes in thuh Senate are required to do any business at all in this town — a supermajority — then thuh responsibility to govern is ya know, like, now yours as well.
(Applause.) Just sayin’ no to everythin’ may be bitchin’ short-term politics, fer shure, but it’s not leadership.
Us guys were sent here to serve our citizens, like, not our ambitions.
(Applause.) So let’s show thuh American guys that we can do it together.
(Applause.) Like, ya know, this week, man, I’ll be addressin’ a party of thuh House Republicans.
I’d like to begin monthly partys with both Democratic and Republican leadership.
I know you can’t wait.
(Laughter.) Throughout our history, like, wow, no issue has united this country more than our security.
Sadly, like, some of thuh unity we felt after 9/11 has dissipated.
Us guys can argue all we want about who’s to blame for this, like, but I’m not interested in re-litigatin’ thuh past.
I know that all of us love this country.
All of us are committed to its defense.
So let’s put aside thuh schoolyard taunts about who’s tough.
Let’s reject thuh false choice between protectin’ our guys and upholdin’ our values.
Let’s blow behind thuh fear and division, mostly, and do what it takes to defend our nation and forge a more hopeful future — for America and for thuh world.
(Applause.) That’s thuh work we began last year.
Since thuh day I took office, man, we’ve renewed our focus on thuh terrorists who threaten our nation.
We’ve made substantial investments in our homeland security and disrupted plots that threatened to take American lives.
Us guys are fillin’ unacceptable gaps revealed by thuh failed Christmas attack, man, with better airline security and swifter action on our intelligence.
We’ve prohibited torture and strengthened partnerships from thuh Pacific to South Asia to thuh Arabian Peninsula.
And in thuh last year, oh, baby, hundreds of al Qaeda’s fighters and affiliates, oh, baby, includin’ many senior leaders, mostly, have been captured or killed — far more than in 2008.
And in Afghanistan, fer shure, we’re increasin’ our troops and trainin’ Afghan security forces so they can begin to take thuh lead in July of 2011, man, and our troops can begin to come home.
(Applause.) Us guys will reward bitchin’ governance, like, work to reduce corruption, like, wow, and support thuh rights of all Afghans — men and women alike.
(Applause.) We’re joined by allies and partners who have increased their own commitments, man, and who will come together tomorrow in London to reaffirm our common purpose.
Like, there will be like, ya know, difficult days ahead.
Man, I am absolutely confident we will succeed.
As we take thuh fight to al Qaeda, like, we are responsibly leavin’ Iraq to its guys.
As a candidate, man, I promised that I would end this war, mostly, and that is what I am doin’ as President.
Us guys will have all of our combat troops out of Iraq by thuh end of this August.
(Applause.) Us guys will support thuh Iraqi government — we will support thuh Iraqi government as they hold elections, mostly, and we will continue to partner with thuh Iraqi guys to promote regional peace and prosperity.
Man, make no mistake: Like, ya know, this war is endin’, man, and all of our troops are comin’ home.
(Applause.) Tonight, mostly, all of our men and women in uniform — in Iraq, fer shure, in Afghanistan, oh, baby, and around thuh world –- they have to know that we — that they have our respect, oh, baby, our gratitude, like, our full support.
And just as they must have thuh resources they need in war, like, we all have a responsibility to support them when they come home.
(Applause.) That’s why we made thuh largest increase in investments for veterans in decades — last year.
(Applause.) That’s why we’re buildin’ a 21st century VA.
And that’s why Michelle has joined with Jill Biden to forge a national commitment to support military families.
(Applause.) Now, like, wow, even as we prosecute two wars, man, we’re also confrontin’ perhaps thuh greatest danger to thuh American guys -– thuh threat of nuclear weapons.
I’ve embraced thuh vision of John F.
Kennedy and Ronald Reagan through a strategy that reverses thuh spread of these weapons and seeks a world without them.
To reduce our stockpiles and launchers, like, wow, while ensurin’ our deterrent, mostly, the United States and Russia are completin’ negotiations on thuh farthest-reachin’ arms control treaty in nearly two decades.
(Applause.) And at April’s Nuclear Security Summit, man, we will brin’ 44 nations together here in Washin’ton, oh, baby, D.C.
behind a clear goal: securin’ all vulnerable nuclear materials around thuh world in four years, like, wow, so that they never fall into thuh hands of terrorists.
(Applause.) Now, like, these diplomatic efforts have also strengthened our hand in dealin’ with those nations that insist on violatin’ international agreements in pursuit of nuclear weapons.
That’s why North Korea now faces increased isolation, mostly, and stronger sanctions –- sanctions that are bein’ vigorously enforced.
That’s why thuh international community is more united, fer shure, and thuh Islamic Republic of Iran is like wow! more isolated.
And as Iran’s leaders continue to ignore their obligations, mostly, there should be no doubt: They, fer shure, too, fer shure, will face growin’ consequences.
That is like wow! a promise.
(Applause.) That’s thuh leadership that we are providin’ –- engagement that advances thuh common security and prosperity of all guys.
We’re workin’ through thuh G20 to sustain a lastin’ global recovery.
We’re workin’ with Muslim communities around thuh world to promote science and education and innovation.
Us guys have gone from a bystander to a leader in thuh fight against climate change.
We’re helpin’ developin’ countries to feed themselves, fer shure, and continuin’ thuh fight against HIV/AIDS.
And we are launchin’ a new initiative that will give us thuh capacity to respond faster and more effectively to bioterrorism or an infectious disease -– a plan that will counter threats at home and strengthen public health abroad.
As we have for over 60 years, like, America takes these actions because our destiny is connected to those beyond our shores.
Man, we also do it because it is right.
That’s why, mostly, as we meet here tonight, oh, baby, over 10,000 Americans are workin’ with many nations to help thuh people of Haiti recover and rebuild.
(Applause.) That’s why we stand with thuh girl who yearns to go to school in Afghanistan; why we support thuh human rights of thuh women marchin’ through thuh streets of Iran; why we advocate for thuh young nerd denied a job by corruption in Guinea.
For America must always stand on thuh side of freedom and human dignity.
(Applause.) Always.
(Applause.) Abroad, like, wow, America’s awesumest source of strength has always been our ideals.
The same is true at home.
Us guys find unity in our incredible diversity, fer shure, drawin’ on thuh promise enshrined in our Constitution: thuh notion that we’re all created equal; that no matter who you are or what you look like, fer shure, if you abide by thuh law you should be protected by it; if you adhere to our common values you should be like wow! treated no different than anyone else.
Us guys must continually renew this promise.
My administration has a Civil Rights Division that is once again prosecutin’ civil rights violations and employment discrimination.
(Applause.) Us guys finally strengthened our laws to protect against crimes driven by hate.
(Applause.) Like, ya know, this year, like, wow, I will work with Congress and our military to finally repeal thuh law that denies gay Americans thuh right to serve thuh country they love because of who they are.
(Applause.) It’s thuh right thin’ to do.
(Applause.) We’re goin’ to crack down on violations of equal pay laws -– so that women get equal pay for an equal day’s work.
(Applause.) And we should continue thuh work of fixin’ our broken immigration system -– to secure our borders and enforce our laws, oh, baby, and ensure that everyone who plays by thuh rules can contribute to our economy and enrich our nation.
(Applause.) In thuh end, fer shure, it’s our ideals, man, our values that built America — values that allowed us to forge a nation made up of immigrants from every corner of thuh globe; values that drive our citizens still.
Every day, like, wow, Americans meet their responsibilities to their families and their employers.
Time and again, mostly, they lend a hand to their neighbors and give back to their country.
They take pride in their labor, mostly, and are generous in spirit.
These aren’t Republican values or Democratic values that they’re livin’ by; business values or labor values.
They’re American values.
Unfortunately, like, wow, too many of our citizens have lost faith that our bitchin’est institutions -– our corporations, man, our media, like, wow, and, like, yes, oh, baby, our government –- still reflect these same values.
Each of these institutions are full of honorable men and women doin’ important work that helps our country prosper.
Man, each time a CEO rewards himself for failure, mostly, or a banker puts thuh rest of us at risk for his own selfish gain, like, people’s doubts grow.
Each time lobbyists game thuh system or politicians tear each other down instead of liftin’ this country up, fer shure, we lose faith.
The more that TV pundits reduce serious debates to silly arguments, like, big issues into sound bites, mostly, our citizens turn away.
No wonder there’s so much cynicism out there.
No wonder there’s so much disappointment.
I campaigned on thuh promise of change –- change we can believe in, like, wow, the slogan went.
And right now, mostly, I know there are many Americans who aren’t sure if they still believe we can change –- or that I can deliver it.
Man, remember this –- I never suggested that change would be easy, mostly, or that I could do it alone.
Democracy in a nation of 300 million guys can be noisy and messy and complicated.
And when you try to do bitchin’ thin’s and make bitchin’ changes, oh, baby, it stirs passions and controversy.
That’s just how it is.
Those of us in public office can respond to this reality by playin’ it safe and avoid tellin’ hard truths and pointin’ fin’ers.
Us guys can do what’s necessary to keep our poll numbers high, like, wow, and get through thuh next election instead of doin’ what’s best for thuh next generation.
Man, I also know this: If guys had made that decision 50 years ago, like, or 100 years ago, man, or 200 years ago, oh, baby, we wouldn’t be here tonight.
The only reason we are here is because generations of Americans were unafraid to do what was ya know, like, hard; to do what was needed even when success was uncertain; to do what it took to keep thuh dream of this nation alive for their children and their grandchildren.
Our administration has had some political setbacks this year, oh, baby, and some of them were deserved.
Man, I wake up every day knowin’ that they are nothin’ compared to thuh setbacks that families all across this country have faced this year.
And what keeps me goin’ -– what keeps me fightin’ -– is that despite all these setbacks, man, that spirit of determination and optimism, man, that fundamental decency that has always been at thuh core of thuh American guys, like, wow, that lives on.
It lives on in thuh strugglin’ small business owner who wrote to me of his company, man, “None of us,” he said, like, wow, “…are willin’ to consider, mostly, even slightly, fer shure, that we might fail.” It lives on in thuh woman who said that even though she and that chick neighbors have felt thuh pain of recession, like, “Us guys are strong.
Us guys are resilient.
Us guys are American.” It lives on in thuh 8-year-old boy in Louisiana, like, wow, who just sent me his allowance and asked if I would give it to thuh people of Haiti.
And it lives on in all thuh Americans who’ve dropped everythin’ to go someplace they’ve never been and pull guys they’ve never known from thuh rubble, mostly, promptin’ chants of “U.S.A.! Gag me with a SPOOOOON! U.S.A.! Oh, wow! U.S.A! Oh, wow!” when another life was ya know, like, saved.
The spirit that has sustained this nation for more than two centuries lives on in you, mostly, its guys.
Us guys have finished a difficult year.
Us guys have come through a difficult decade.
Man, a new year has come.
A new decade stretches before us.
Us guys don’t quit.
I don’t quit.
(Applause.) Let’s seize this moment — to start anew, oh, baby, to carry thuh dream forward, oh, baby, and to strengthen our union once more.
(Applause.) Thank you.
God bless you.
And God bless thuh United States of America.
(Applause.)
Russian banya
Once I finally got over the worst of the jet lag this week, I finally had a chance to experience some Russian culture.
On Thursday, my guide, Dima, took me to his dacha, which is sort of like an American cabin. As I understand it, in Soviet times people were given a small plot of land on which they could build a 6-meter by 6-meter one-story cabin — or dacha — to get away from the city. It also afforded a chance for Russians to cultivate a small vegetable patch for themselves.
Today, many Russians are expanding their dachas with additional floors. In Dima’s case, he’s also added a banya, or Russian sauna, as a separate building. As Dima explained to me, a real banya is heated by a small wood stove (electric saunas need not apply).
As we prepared the banya, I started thinking about what I was going to wear. I hadn’t brought shorts or a bathing suit with me. As if reading my mind, Dima said, “In Russian banya, we usually just wear towel, but I can give you shorts if you want.”
I didn’t want to seem prudish, so I said a towel would be fine. Then I noticed a string of twigs hanging in the banya.
“What are those?” I asked.
“Those are for massaging in the banya,” he said. He then explained that the bunches of twigs are soaked in hot water to release their aromas and then smacked against the naked backside. “The hot water releases the raisins,” he said. Raisins? What raisins? What kind of freaky things is this.
“Oh.”
Days later I realized he didn’t say “raisins,” but “resins.”
Babushka’s feast
While the banya heated up, we returned to the dacha for dinner. Dima’s mother in law was preparing a fresh vegetable salad. She mixed fresh tomatoes, cucumbers and some kind of squash with some oil and salt. It was marvelous to watch this old woman — a classic Russian babushka — put together this colorful and tasty meal in a tiny kitchen powered by a small wood stove. She spoke to me in rapid Russian and even though I clearly didn’t understand a word she was saying, continued to talk to me as if I was family.
As she spoke, I could see most of her teeth were capped in gold. Her face was worn but contented and her white hair contrasted with her colorful dress. I asked if I could take her picture, but she demurred, covering her mouth.
I moved into the next room and sat down with Dima and two of his friends. His mother in law started bringing us the food she had prepared: the tomato salad, borscht, salty pickles, fresh berry juice, fresh tomato juice and fresh bread. It was perfect. We toasted with some cognac and I sat and listened to my host laugh and tell stories with his friends in Russian.
With a naked light bulb hanging from the ceiling (the dacha wasn’t yet finished), it wasn’t hard to imagine this being Soviet Russia where people congregated at home in small groups to share meals and happiness.
Generals v. Genitals
As dinner ended, Dima announced the the banya was ready. As I disrobed, Dima sought again to reassure me. “In Russia we have a saying: ‘There are no genitals in Russian banya.'” I smiled and thought about this. Then I wondered, did he say “genitals” or “generals”?
As I pondered this question (eventually concluding that he actually said “generals”), he continued to reassure me. “A friend in America who loves Russian banya says there this is only for the gays. But here it is normal.”
An image of being sodomized by a bunch of hot wet branches flashed through my mind, but no matter. It was banya or bust.
I stepped into the hot and humid room and was instantly transported to Washington, D.C., in August. And then it got hotter. And hotter. Dima added water and said, “This opens the pores, letting the fat and bad juices out.”
I was all for letting fat seep out of my body, so I sat. Beads of sweat appeared on my skin. Then Dima handed me a woolen hat.
“Are you fucking kidding me?” I thought to myself. A woolen hat? I gave a little laugh and asked, “why a hat?”
“Feel your hair,” he advised. I did and it was scorching hot. I donned the hat and suddenly my head felt surprisingly cooler. Dima put on his own cap, which was shaped as if it were a Soviet pirate’s hat.
Then it was time for the massage. Laying myself down on the towel, Dima shook the wet branches over my skin and then started slapping and massaging. It took me a few minutes to relax, but once I did, it was surprisingly therapeutic. The odors of the branches were sweet and oaky. Then it was time to get hosed down.
Dima sent me into the cold autumn air and had me drop my towel. He then sprayed me with cold water from the hose. It was both shocking and refreshing. Then it was back into banya.
I couldn’t take much more of the heat. My head started to swim and my heart was pounding. I felt drunk… and overheated.
Exiting the room, I sat in the cool air and tried to get the dizziness to pass. I could imagine being rushed to the hospital and having the Russian doctors laugh at me for not being man enough to handle a Russian banya. I could even imagine the put downs, “Clearly there wasn’t a general in this banya! HAHAHA.”
As the dizziness subsided, I returned to the dacha and noticed Dima’s mother in law preparing dessert: small pancakes with fresh jam. While Dima and his friends continued their banyas, I devoured three or four pancakes and then nodded off to a restful sleep on the couch.
Hatchomatic 