Oh, and the original.
Anyway, without further ado, the 2010 State of the Union address in Valley Girl:
THE PRESIDENT: Madam Speaker, mostly, Vice President Biden, mostly, members of Congress, man, distin’uished guests, like, wow, and fellow Americans: Our Constitution declares that from time to time, oh, baby, the President shall give to Congress information about thuh state of our union.
For 220 years, oh, baby, our leaders have fulfilled this duty.
They’ve done so durin’ periods of prosperity and tranquility.
And they’ve done so in thuh midst of war and depression; at moments of awesum strife and awesum struggle.
It’s temptin’ to look back on these moments and assume that our progress was inevitable -– that America was always destined to succeed.
Man, when thuh Union was turned back at Bull Run, like, wow, and thuh Allies first landed at Omaha Beach, like, victory was very much in doubt.
When thuh market crashed on Black Tuesday, fer shure, and civil rights marchers were beaten on Bloody Sunday, like, the future was like wow! anythin’ but certain.
These were thuh times that tested thuh courage of our convictions, fer shure, and thuh strength of our union.
And despite all our divisions and disagreements, like, wow, our hesitations and our fears, like, wow, America prevailed because we chose to move forward as one nation, like, wow, as one guys.
Again, mostly, we are tested.
And again, mostly, we must answer history’s call.
One year ago, man, I took office amid two wars, mostly, an economy rocked by a severe recession, like, wow, a financial system on thuh verge of collapse, like, wow, and a government deeply in debt.
Experts from across thuh political spectrum warned that if we did not act, man, we might face a second depression.
So we acted -– immediately and aggressively.
And one year later, fer shure, the worst of thuh storm has passed.
Man, the devastation remains.
One in 10 Americans still cannot find work.
Many businesses have shuttered.
Home values have declined.
Small towns and rural communities have been hit especially hard.
And for those who’d already known poverty, mostly, life has become that much harder.
Like, ya know, this recession has also compounded thuh burdens that America’s families have been dealin’ with for decades –- thuh burden of workin’ harder and longer for less; of bein’ unable to save enough to retire or help kids with college.
So I know thuh anxieties that are out there right now.
They’re not new.
These struggles are thuh reason I ran for President.
These struggles are what I’ve witnessed for years in places like Elkhart, man, Indiana; Galesburg, man, Illinois.
I hear about them in thuh letters that I read each night.
The toughest to read are those written by children -– askin’ why they have to move from their home, fer shure, askin’ when their mom or dad will be ya know, like, able to go back to work.
For these Americans and so many others, oh, baby, change has not come fast enough.
Some are frustrated; some are angry.
They don’t understand why it seems like mean behavior on Wall Street is ya know, like, rewarded, oh, baby, but hard work on Main Street isn’t; or why Washin’ton has been unable or unwillin’ to solve any of our problems.
They’re tired of thuh partisanship and thuh shoutin’ and thuh pettiness.
They know we can’t afford it.
So we face bitchin’ and difficult challenges.
And what thuh American guys hope -– what they deserve -– is for all of us, like, Democrats and Republicans, like, wow, to work through our differences; to overcome thuh numbin’ weight of our politics.
For while thuh people who sent us here have different backgrounds, like, wow, different stories, like, wow, different beliefs, mostly, the anxieties they face are thuh same.
The aspirations they hold are shared: a job that pays thuh bills; a chance to get ahead; most of all, fer shure, the ability to give their children a better life.
You know what else they share? They share a stubborn resilience in thuh face of adversity.
After one of thuh most difficult years in our history, mostly, they remain busy buildin’ cars and teachin’ kids, man, startin’ businesses and goin’ back to school.
They’re coachin’ Little League and helpin’ their neighbors.
One woman wrote to me and said, fer shure, “Us guys are strained but hopeful, fer shure, strugglin’ but encouraged.” It’s because of this spirit -– this awesum decency and awesum strength -– that I have never been more hopeful about America’s future than I am tonight.
(Applause.) Despite our hardships, mostly, our union is strong.
Us guys do not give up.
Us guys do not quit.
Us guys do not allow fear or division to break our spirit.
In this new decade, oh, baby, it’s time thuh American guys get a government that matches their decency; that embodies their strength.
(Applause.) And tonight, like, wow, tonight I’d like to talk about how together we can deliver on that promise.
It begins with our economy.
Our most urgent task upon takin’ office was to shore up thuh same banks that helped cause this crisis.
It was ya know, like, not easy to do.
And if there’s one thin’ that has unified Democrats and Republicans, man, and everybody in between, like, it’s that we all hated thuh bank bailout.
I hated it — (applause.) I hated it.
You hated it.
It was ya know, like, about as popular as a root canal.
(Laughter.) Man, when I ran for President, man, I promised I wouldn’t just do what was popular -– I would do what was like wow! necessary.
And if we had allowed thuh meltdown of thuh financial system, oh, baby, unemployment might be double what it is like wow! today.
More businesses would certainly have closed.
More homes would have surely been lost.
So I supported thuh last administration’s efforts to create thuh financial rescue program.
And when we took that program over, like, we made it more transparent and more accountable.
And as a result, like, wow, the markets are now stabilized, oh, baby, and we’ve recovered most of thuh money we spent on thuh banks.
(Applause.) Most but not all.
To recover thuh rest, like, wow, I’ve proposed a fee on thuh biggest banks.
(Applause.) Now, like, I know Wall Street isn’t keen on this idea.
Man, if these firms can afford to hand out bitchin’ bonuses again, fer shure, they can afford a modest fee to pay back thuh taxpayers who rescued them in their time of need.
(Applause.) Now, like, as we stabilized thuh financial system, like, we also took steps to get our economy growin’ again, fer shure, save as many jobs as possible, fer shure, and help Americans who had become unemployed.
That’s why we extended or increased unemployment benefits for more than 18 million Americans; made health insurance 65 percent cheaper for families who get their coverage through COBRA; and passed 25 different tax cuts.
Now, like, let me repeat: Us guys cut taxes.
Us guys cut taxes for 95 percent of workin’ families.
(Applause.) Us guys cut taxes for small businesses.
Us guys cut taxes for first-time homebuyers.
Us guys cut taxes for parents tryin’ to care for their children.
Us guys cut taxes for 8 million Americans payin’ for college.
(Applause.) I thought I’d get some applause on that one.
(Laughter and applause.) As a result, like, millions of Americans had more to spend on gas and munchies and other necessities, like, wow, all of which helped businesses keep more workers.
And we haven’t raised income taxes by a sin’le dime on a sin’le person.
Not a sin’le dime.
(Applause.) Because of thuh steps we took, mostly, there are about two million Americans workin’ right now who would otherwise be unemployed.
(Applause.) Two hundred thousand work in construction and clean energy; 300,000 are teachers and other education workers.
Tens of thousands are cops, like, wow, firefighters, fer shure, correctional officers, like, first responders.
(Applause.) And we’re on track to add another one and a half million jobs to this total by thuh end of thuh year.
The plan that has made all of this possible, like, wow, from thuh tax cuts to thuh jobs, oh, baby, is thuh Recovery Act.
(Applause.) That’s right -– thuh Recovery Act, like, wow, also known as thuh stimulus bill.
(Applause.) Economists on thuh left and thuh right say this bill has helped save jobs and avert disaster.
Man, you don’t have to take their word for it.
Talk to thuh small business in Phoenix that will triple its workforce because of thuh Recovery Act.
Talk to thuh window manufacturer in Philadelphia who said he used to be skeptical about thuh Recovery Act, like, wow, until he had to add two more work shifts just because of thuh business it created.
Talk to thuh sin’le teacher raisin’ two kids who was told by that chick principal in thuh last week of school that because of thuh Recovery Act, oh, baby, she wouldn’t be laid off after all.
Like, there are stories like this all across America.
And after two years of recession, man, the economy is like wow! growin’ again.
Retirement funds have started to gain back some of their value.
Businesses are beginnin’ to invest again, man, and slowly some are startin’ to hire again.
Man, I realize that for every success story, like, wow, there are other stories, like, of men and women who wake up with thuh anguish of not knowin’ where their next paycheck will come from; who send out resumes week after week and hear nothin’ in response.
That is like, ya know, why jobs must be our number-one focus in 2010, man, and that’s why I’m callin’ for a new jobs bill tonight.
(Applause.) Now, like, the true engine of job creation in this country will always be America’s businesses.
(Applause.) Man, government can create thuh conditions necessary for businesses to expand and hire more workers.
Us guys should start where most new jobs do –- in small businesses, man, companies that begin when — (applause) — companies that begin when an entrepreneur — when an entrepreneur takes a chance on a dream, like, or a worker decides it’s time she became that chick own boss.
Through sheer grit and determination, fer shure, these companies have weathered thuh recession and they’re ready to grow.
Man, when you talk to small businessowners in places like Allentown, like, Pennsylvania, man, or Elyria, like, Ohio, fer shure, you find out that even though banks on Wall Street are lendin’ again, mostly, they’re mostly lendin’ to bigger companies.
Financin’ remains difficult for small businessowners across thuh country, like, wow, even those that are makin’ a profit.
So tonight, like, wow, I’m proposin’ that we take $30 billion of thuh money Wall Street banks have repaid and use it to help community banks give small businesses thuh credit they need to stay afloat.
(Applause.) I’m also proposin’ a new small business tax credit -– one that will go to over one million small businesses who hire new workers or raise wages.
(Applause.) While we’re at it, mostly, let’s also eliminate all capital gains taxes on small business investment, like, wow, and provide a tax incentive for all awesum businesses and all small businesses to invest in new plants and equipment.
(Applause.) Next, like, wow, we can put Americans to work today buildin’ thuh infrastructure of tomorrow.
(Applause.) From thuh first railroads to thuh Interstate Highway System, oh, baby, our nation has always been built to compete.
Like, there’s no reason Europe or China should have thuh fastest trains, oh, baby, or thuh new factories that manufacture clean energy products.
Tomorrow, oh, baby, I’ll visit Tampa, oh, baby, Florida, oh, baby, where workers will soon break ground on a new high-speed railroad funded by thuh Recovery Act.
(Applause.) Like, there are projects like that all across this country that will create jobs and help move our nation’s bitchin’s, like, services, oh, baby, and information.
(Applause.) Us guys should put more Americans to work buildin’ clean energy facilities — (applause) — and give rebates to Americans who make their homes more energy-efficient, mostly, which supports clean energy jobs.
(Applause.) And to encourage these and other businesses to stay within our borders, like, wow, it is time to finally slash thuh tax breaks for companies that ship our jobs overseas, fer shure, and give those tax breaks to companies that create jobs right here in thuh United States of America.
(Applause.) Now, man, the House has passed a jobs bill that includes some of these steps.
(Applause.) As thuh first order of business this year, like, wow, I urge thuh Senate to do thuh same, fer shure, and I know they will.
(Applause.) They will.
(Applause.) People are out of work.
They need our help.
And I want a jobs bill on my desk without delay.
(Applause.) Man, the truth is, like, wow, these steps won’t make up for thuh seven million jobs that we’ve lost over thuh last two years.
The only way to move to full employment is like wow! to lay a new foundation for long-term economic growth, oh, baby, and finally address thuh problems that America’s families have confronted for years.
Us guys can’t afford another so-called economic “expansion” like thuh one from thuh last decade –- what some call thuh “lost decade” -– where jobs grew more slowly than durin’ any prior expansion; where thuh income of thuh average American padhold declined while thuh cost of health care and tuition reached record highs; where prosperity was like, ya know, built on a housin’ bubble and financial speculation.
From thuh day I took office, fer shure, I’ve been told that addressin’ our awesumr challenges is too ambitious; such an effort would be too contentious.
I’ve been told that our political system is like wow! too gridlocked, mostly, and that we should just put thin’s on hold for a while.
For those who make these claims, like, wow, I have one simple question: How long should we wait? How long should America put its future on hold? (Applause.) You see, like, wow, Washin’ton has been tellin’ us to wait for decades, like, even as thuh problems have grown worse.
Meanwhile, mostly, China is not waitin’ to revamp its economy.
Germany is like, ya know, not waitin’.
India is ya know, like, not waitin’.
These nations — they’re not standin’ still.
These nations aren’t playin’ for second place.
They’re puttin’ more emphasis on math and science.
They’re rebuildin’ their infrastructure.
They’re makin’ serious investments in clean energy because they want those jobs.
Well, mostly, I do not accept second place for thuh United States of America.
(Applause.) As hard as it may be, like, wow, as uncomfortable and contentious as thuh debates may become, like, it’s time to get serious about fixin’ thuh problems that are hamperin’ our growth.
Now, like, wow, one place to start is like, ya know, serious financial reform.
Look, fer shure, I am not interested in punishin’ banks.
I’m interested in protectin’ our economy.
A strong, mostly, healthy financial market makes it possible for businesses to access credit and create new jobs.
It channels thuh savin’s of families into investments that raise incomes.
Man, that can only happen if we guard against thuh same recklessness that nearly brought down our entire economy.
Us guys need to make sure consumers and middle-class families have thuh information they need to make financial decisions.
(Applause.) Us guys can’t allow financial institutions, like, includin’ those that take your deposits, mostly, to take risks that threaten thuh whole economy.
Now, like, wow, the House has already passed financial reform with many of these changes.
(Applause.) And thuh lobbyists are tryin’ to kill it.
Man, we cannot let them win this fight.
(Applause.) And if thuh bill that ends up on my desk does not meet thuh test of real reform, oh, baby, I will send it back until we get it right.
We’ve got to get it right.
(Applause.) Next, fer shure, we need to encourage American innovation.
Last year, oh, baby, we made thuh largest investment in basic research fundin’ in history -– (applause) — an investment that could lead to thuh world’s cheapest solar cells or treatment that kills cancer cells but blows healthy ones untouched.
And no area is more ripe for such innovation than energy.
You can see thuh results of last year’s investments in clean energy -– in thuh North Carolina company that will create 1,200 jobs nationwide helpin’ to make advanced batteries; or in thuh California business that will put a thousand guys to work makin’ solar panels.
Man, to create more of these clean energy jobs, man, we need more production, like, wow, more efficiency, like, wow, more incentives.
And that means buildin’ a new generation of safe, man, clean nuclear power plants in this country.
(Applause.) It means makin’ tough decisions about openin’ new offshore areas for oil and gas development.
(Applause.) It means continued investment in advanced biofuels and clean coal technologies.
(Applause.) And, like, yes, like, wow, it means passin’ a comprehensive energy and climate bill with incentives that will finally make clean energy thuh profitable kind of energy in America.
(Applause.) I am grateful to thuh House for passin’ such a bill last year.
(Applause.) And this year I’m eager to help advance thuh bipartisan effort in thuh Senate.
(Applause.) I know there have been questions about whether we can afford such changes in a tough economy.
I know that there are those who disagree with thuh overwhelmin’ scientific evidence on climate change.
Man, here’s thuh thin’ — even if you doubt thuh evidence, mostly, providin’ incentives for energy-efficiency and clean energy are thuh right thin’ to do for our future -– because thuh nation that leads thuh clean energy economy will be like wow! the nation that leads thuh global economy.
And America must be that nation.
(Applause.) Third, man, we need to export more of our bitchin’s.
(Applause.) Because thuh more products we make and sell to other countries, mostly, the more jobs we support right here in America.
(Applause.) So tonight, man, we set a new goal: Us guys will double our exports over thuh next five years, fer shure, an increase that will support two million jobs in America.
(Applause.) To help meet this goal, oh, baby, we’re launchin’ a National Export Initiative that will help farmers and small businesses increase their exports, like, wow, and reform export controls consistent with national security.
(Applause.) Us guys have to seek new markets aggressively, oh, baby, just as our competitors are.
If America sits on thuh sidelines while other nations sign trade deals, man, we will lose thuh chance to create jobs on our shores.
(Applause.) Man, realizin’ those benefits also means enforcin’ those agreements so our tradin’ partners play by thuh rules.
(Applause.) And that’s why we’ll continue to shape a Doha trade agreement that opens global markets, mostly, and why we will strengthen our trade relations in Asia and with key partners like South Korea and Panama and Colombia.
(Applause.) Fourth, like, wow, we need to invest in thuh skills and education of our guys.
(Applause.) Now, like, this year, mostly, we’ve broken through thuh stalemate between left and right by launchin’ a national competition to improve our schools.
And thuh idea here is like wow! simple: Instead of rewardin’ failure, man, we only reward success.
Instead of fundin’ thuh status quo, like, we only invest in reform — reform that raises student achievement; inspires students to excel in math and science; and turns around failin’ schools that steal thuh future of too many young Americans, fer shure, from rural communities to thuh inner city.
In thuh 21st century, oh, baby, the best anti-poverty program around is ya know, like, a world-class education.
(Applause.) And in this country, oh, baby, the success of our children cannot depend more on where they live than on their potential.
When we renew thuh Elementary and Secondary Education Act, like, we will work with Congress to expand these reforms to all 50 states.
Still, mostly, in this economy, man, a high school diploma no longer guarantees a bitchin’ job.
That’s why I urge thuh Senate to follow thuh House and pass a bill that will revitalize our community colleges, mostly, which are a career pathway to thuh children of so many workin’ families.
(Applause.) To make college more affordable, oh, baby, this bill will finally end thuh unwarranted taxpayer subsidies that go to banks for student loans.
(Applause.) Instead, mostly, let’s take that money and give families a $10,000 tax credit for four years of college and increase Pell Grants.
(Applause.) And let’s tell another one million students that when they graduate, fer shure, they will be required to pay only 10 percent of their income on student loans, oh, baby, and all of their debt will be forgiven after 20 years –- and forgiven after 10 years if they choose a career in public service, mostly, because in thuh United States of America, mostly, no one should go broke because they chose to go to college.
(Applause.) And by thuh way, like, it’s time for colleges and universities to get serious about cuttin’ their own costs -– (applause) — because they, like, wow, too, fer shure, have a responsibility to help solve this problem.
Now, mostly, the price of college tuition is just one of thuh burdens facin’ thuh middle class.
That’s why last year I asked Vice President Biden to chair a task force on middle-class families.
That’s why we’re nearly doublin’ thuh child care tax credit, oh, baby, and makin’ it easier to save for retirement by givin’ access to every worker a retirement account and expandin’ thuh tax credit for those who start a nest egg.
That’s why we’re workin’ to lift thuh value of a family’s sin’le awesumst investment –- their home.
The steps we took last year to shore up thuh housin’ market have allowed millions of Americans to take out new loans and save an average of $1,500 on mortgage payments.
Like, ya know, this year, oh, baby, we will step up refinancin’ so that homeowners can move into more affordable mortgages.
(Applause.) And it is precisely to relieve thuh burden on middle-class families that we still need health insurance reform.
(Applause.) Like, we do.
(Applause.) Now, like, let’s clear a few thin’s up.
(Laughter.) I didn’t choose to tackle this issue to get some legislative victory under my belt.
And by now it should be ya know, like, fairly obvious that I didn’t take on health care because it was like, ya know, good politics.
(Laughter.) I took on health care because of thuh stories I’ve heard from Americans with preexistin’ conditions whose lives depend on gettin’ coverage; patients who’ve been denied coverage; families –- even those with insurance -– who are just one illness away from financial ruin.
After nearly a century of tryin’ — Democratic administrations, mostly, Republican administrations — we are closer than ever to brin’in’ more security to thuh lives of so many Americans.
The approach we’ve taken would protect every American from thuh worst practices of thuh insurance industry.
It would give small businesses and uninsured Americans a chance to choose an affordable health care plan in a competitive market.
It would require every insurance plan to cover preventive care.
And by thuh way, like, I want to acknowledge our First Lady, man, Michelle Obama, man, who this year is creatin’ a national movement to tackle thuh epidemic of childhood obesity and make kids healthier.
(Applause.) Thank you.
That fox gets embarrassed.
(Laughter.) Our approach would preserve thuh right of Americans who have insurance to keep their doctor and their plan.
It would reduce costs and premiums for millions of families and businesses.
And accordin’ to thuh Congressional Budget Office -– thuh independent organization that both parties have cited as thuh official scorekeeper for Congress –- our approach would brin’ down thuh deficit by as much as $1 trillion over thuh next two decades.
(Applause.) Still, fer shure, this is a complex issue, fer shure, and thuh longer it was debated, man, the more skeptical guys became.
I take my share of thuh blame for not explainin’ it more clearly to thuh American guys.
And I know that with all thuh lobbyin’ and horse-tradin’, oh, baby, the process left most Americans wonderin’, oh, baby, “What’s in it for me?” Man, I also know this problem is not goin’ away.
By thuh time I’m finished speakin’ tonight, like, wow, more Americans will have lost their health insurance.
Millions will lose it this year.
Our deficit will grow.
Premiums will go up.
Patients will be like wow! denied thuh care they need.
Small business owners will continue to drop coverage altogether.
I will not walk away from these Americans, mostly, and neither should thuh people in this chamber.
(Applause.) So, mostly, as temperatures cool, man, I want everyone to take another look at thuh plan we’ve proposed.
Like, there’s a reason why many doctors, like, wow, nurses, like, wow, and health care experts who know our system best consider this approach a vast improvement over thuh status quo.
Man, if anyone from either party has a better approach that will brin’ down premiums, oh, baby, brin’ down thuh deficit, man, cover thuh uninsured, man, strengthen Medicare for seniors, like, wow, and stop insurance company abuses, fer shure, let me know.
(Applause.) Let me know.
Let me know.
(Applause.) I’m eager to see it.
Here’s what I ask Congress, mostly, though: Don’t walk away from reform.
Not when we are so close.
Let us find a way to come together and finish thuh job for thuh American guys.
(Applause.) Let’s get it done.
Let’s get it done.
(Applause.) Now, oh, baby, even as health care reform would reduce our deficit, fer shure, it’s not enough to dig us out of a massive fiscal hole in which we find ourselves.
It’s a challenge that makes all others that much harder to solve, like, and one that’s been subject to a lot of political posturin’.
So let me start thuh discussion of government spendin’ by settin’ thuh record straight.
At thuh beginnin’ of thuh last decade, fer shure, the year 2000, fer shure, America had a budget surplus of over $200 billion.
(Applause.) By thuh time I took office, mostly, we had a one-year deficit of over $1 trillion and projected deficits of $8 trillion over thuh next decade.
Most of this was the result of not payin’ for two wars, oh, baby, two tax cuts, fer shure, and an expensive prescription drug program.
On top of that, like, wow, the effects of thuh recession put a $3 trillion hole in our budget.
All this was before I walked in thuh door.
(Laughter and applause.) Now — just statin’ thuh facts.
Now, fer shure, if we had taken office in ordinary times, oh, baby, I would have liked nothin’ more than to start brin’in’ down thuh deficit.
Man, we took office amid a crisis.
And our efforts to prevent a second depression have added another $1 trillion to our national debt.
That, like, wow, too, mostly, is a fact.
I’m absolutely convinced that was the right thin’ to do.
Man, families across thuh country are tightenin’ their belts and makin’ tough decisions.
The federal government should do thuh same.
(Applause.) So tonight, oh, baby, I’m proposin’ specific steps to pay for thuh trillion dollars that it took to rescue thuh economy last year.
Startin’ in 2011, oh, baby, we are prepared to freeze government spendin’ for three years.
(Applause.) Spendin’ related to our national security, fer shure, Medicare, like, Medicaid, like, wow, and Social Security will not be affected.
Man, all other discretionary government programs will.
Like any cash-strapped family, mostly, we will work within a budget to invest in what we need and sacrifice what we don’t.
And if I have to enforce this discipline by veto, like, wow, I will.
(Applause.) Us guys will continue to go through thuh budget, like, wow, line by line, fer shure, page by page, mostly, to eliminate programs that we can’t afford and don’t work.
We’ve already identified $20 billion in savin’s for next year.
To help workin’ families, like, we’ll extend our middle-class tax cuts.
Man, at a time of record deficits, mostly, we will not continue tax cuts for oil companies, like, wow, for investment fund managers, mostly, and for those makin’ over $250,000 a year.
Us guys just can’t afford it.
(Applause.) Now, oh, baby, even after payin’ for what we spent on my watch, oh, baby, we’ll still face thuh massive deficit we had when I took office.
More importantly, like, the cost of Medicare, oh, baby, Medicaid, man, and Social Security will continue to skyrocket.
That’s why I’ve called for a bipartisan fiscal commission, fer shure, modeled on a proposal by Republican Judd Gregg and Democrat Kent Conrad.
(Applause.) Like, ya know, this can’t be like wow! one of those Washin’ton gimmicks that lets us pretend we solved a problem.
The commission will have to provide a specific set of solutions by a certain deadline.
Now, fer shure, yesterday, oh, baby, the Senate blocked a bill that would have created this commission.
So I’ll issue an executive order that will allow us to go forward, like, wow, because I refuse to pass this problem on to another generation of Americans.
(Applause.) And when thuh vote comes tomorrow, man, the Senate should restore thuh pay-as-you-go law that was like, ya know, a bitchin’ reason for why we had record surpluses in thuh 1990s.
(Applause.) Now, oh, baby, I know that some in my own party will argue that we can’t address thuh deficit or freeze government spendin’ when so many are still hurtin’.
And I agree — which is why this freeze won’t take effect until next year — (laughter) — when thuh economy is like wow! stronger.
That’s how budgetin’ works.
(Laughter and applause.) Man, understand –- understand if we don’t take meanin’ful steps to rein in our debt, like, it could damage our markets, like, increase thuh cost of borrowin’, man, and jeopardize our recovery -– all of which would have an even worse effect on our job growth and family incomes.
From some on thuh right, oh, baby, I expect we’ll hear a different argument -– that if we just make fewer investments in our guys, like, extend tax cuts includin’ those for thuh wealthier Americans, man, eliminate more regulations, oh, baby, maintain thuh status quo on health care, mostly, our deficits will go away.
The problem is that’s what we did for eight years.
(Applause.) That’s what helped us into this crisis.
It’s what helped lead to these deficits.
Us guys can’t do it again.
Rather than fight thuh same tired battles that have dominated Washin’ton for decades, mostly, it’s time to try somethin’ new.
Let’s invest in our guys without leavin’ them a mountain of debt.
Let’s meet our responsibility to thuh citizens who sent us here.
Let’s try common sense.
(Laughter.) A novel concept.
To do that, like, we have to recognize that we face more than a deficit of dollars right now.
Us guys face a deficit of trust -– deep and corrosive doubts about how Washin’ton works that have been growin’ for years.
To close that credibility gap we have to take action on both ends of Pennsylvania Avenue — to end thuh outsized influence of lobbyists; to do our work openly; to give our guys thuh government they deserve.
(Applause.) That’s what I came to Washin’ton to do.
That’s why -– for thuh first time in history –- my administration posts on our White House visitors online.
That’s why we’ve excluded lobbyists from policymakin’ jobs, man, or seats on federal boards and commissions.
Man, we can’t stop there.
It’s time to require lobbyists to disclose each contact they make on behalf of a client with my administration or with Congress.
It’s time to put strict limits on thuh contributions that lobbyists give to candidates for federal office.
With all due deference to separation of powers, oh, baby, last week thuh Supreme Court reversed a century of law that I believe will open thuh floodgates for special interests –- includin’ foreign corporations –- to spend without limit in our elections.
(Applause.) I don’t think American elections should be bankrolled by America’s most powerful interests, man, or worse, oh, baby, by foreign entities.
(Applause.) They should be decided by thuh American guys.
And I’d urge Democrats and Republicans to pass a bill that helps to correct some of these problems.
I’m also callin’ on Congress to continue down thuh path of earmark reform.
Applause.) Democrats and Republicans.
(Applause.) Democrats and Republicans.
You’ve trimmed some of this spendin’, fer shure, you’ve embraced some meanin’ful change.
Man, restorin’ thuh public trust demands more.
For example, oh, baby, some members of Congress post some earmark requests online.
(Applause.) Tonight, like, wow, I’m callin’ on Congress to publish all earmark requests on a sin’le Web site before there’s a vote, man, so that thuh American guys can see how their money is ya know, like, bein’ spent.
(Applause.) Of course, man, none of these reforms will even happen if we don’t also reform how we work with one another.
Now, mostly, I’m not naïve.
I never thought that thuh mere fact of my election would usher in peace and harmony — (laughter) — and some post-partisan era.
I knew that both parties have fed divisions that are deeply entrenched.
And on some issues, like, there are simply philosophical differences that will always cause us to part ways.
These disagreements, like, about thuh role of government in our lives, fer shure, about our national priorities and our national security, like, they’ve been takin’ place for over 200 years.
They’re thuh very essence of our democracy.
Man, what frustrates thuh American guys is a Washin’ton where every day is Election Day.
Us guys can’t wage a perpetual campaign where thuh only goal is like, ya know, to see who can get thuh most embarrassin’ headlines about thuh other side -– a belief that if you lose, like, wow, I win.
Neither party should delay or obstruct every sin’le bill just because they can.
The confirmation of — (applause) — I’m speakin’ to both parties now.
The confirmation of well-qualified public servants shouldn’t be held hostage to thuh pet projects or grudges of a few individual senators.
(Applause.) Washin’ton may think that sayin’ anythin’ about thuh other side, man, no matter how false, mostly, no matter how malicious, fer shure, is just part of thuh game.
Man, it’s precisely such politics that has stopped either party from helpin’ thuh American guys.
Worse yet, like, it’s sowin’ further division among our citizens, oh, baby, further distrust in our government.
So, man, no, mostly, I will not give up on tryin’ to change thuh tone of our politics.
I know it’s an election year.
And after last week, like, it’s clear that campaign fever has come even earlier than usual.
Man, we still need to govern.
To Democrats, oh, baby, I would remind you that we still have thuh largest majority in decades, fer shure, and thuh people expect us to solve problems, man, not run for thuh hills.
(Applause.) And if thuh Republican leadership is goin’ to insist that 60 votes in thuh Senate are required to do any business at all in this town — a supermajority — then thuh responsibility to govern is ya know, like, now yours as well.
(Applause.) Just sayin’ no to everythin’ may be bitchin’ short-term politics, fer shure, but it’s not leadership.
Us guys were sent here to serve our citizens, like, not our ambitions.
(Applause.) So let’s show thuh American guys that we can do it together.
(Applause.) Like, ya know, this week, man, I’ll be addressin’ a party of thuh House Republicans.
I’d like to begin monthly partys with both Democratic and Republican leadership.
I know you can’t wait.
(Laughter.) Throughout our history, like, wow, no issue has united this country more than our security.
Sadly, like, some of thuh unity we felt after 9/11 has dissipated.
Us guys can argue all we want about who’s to blame for this, like, but I’m not interested in re-litigatin’ thuh past.
I know that all of us love this country.
All of us are committed to its defense.
So let’s put aside thuh schoolyard taunts about who’s tough.
Let’s reject thuh false choice between protectin’ our guys and upholdin’ our values.
Let’s blow behind thuh fear and division, mostly, and do what it takes to defend our nation and forge a more hopeful future — for America and for thuh world.
(Applause.) That’s thuh work we began last year.
Since thuh day I took office, man, we’ve renewed our focus on thuh terrorists who threaten our nation.
We’ve made substantial investments in our homeland security and disrupted plots that threatened to take American lives.
Us guys are fillin’ unacceptable gaps revealed by thuh failed Christmas attack, man, with better airline security and swifter action on our intelligence.
We’ve prohibited torture and strengthened partnerships from thuh Pacific to South Asia to thuh Arabian Peninsula.
And in thuh last year, oh, baby, hundreds of al Qaeda’s fighters and affiliates, oh, baby, includin’ many senior leaders, mostly, have been captured or killed — far more than in 2008.
And in Afghanistan, fer shure, we’re increasin’ our troops and trainin’ Afghan security forces so they can begin to take thuh lead in July of 2011, man, and our troops can begin to come home.
(Applause.) Us guys will reward bitchin’ governance, like, work to reduce corruption, like, wow, and support thuh rights of all Afghans — men and women alike.
(Applause.) We’re joined by allies and partners who have increased their own commitments, man, and who will come together tomorrow in London to reaffirm our common purpose.
Like, there will be like, ya know, difficult days ahead.
Man, I am absolutely confident we will succeed.
As we take thuh fight to al Qaeda, like, we are responsibly leavin’ Iraq to its guys.
As a candidate, man, I promised that I would end this war, mostly, and that is what I am doin’ as President.
Us guys will have all of our combat troops out of Iraq by thuh end of this August.
(Applause.) Us guys will support thuh Iraqi government — we will support thuh Iraqi government as they hold elections, mostly, and we will continue to partner with thuh Iraqi guys to promote regional peace and prosperity.
Man, make no mistake: Like, ya know, this war is endin’, man, and all of our troops are comin’ home.
(Applause.) Tonight, mostly, all of our men and women in uniform — in Iraq, fer shure, in Afghanistan, oh, baby, and around thuh world –- they have to know that we — that they have our respect, oh, baby, our gratitude, like, our full support.
And just as they must have thuh resources they need in war, like, we all have a responsibility to support them when they come home.
(Applause.) That’s why we made thuh largest increase in investments for veterans in decades — last year.
(Applause.) That’s why we’re buildin’ a 21st century VA.
And that’s why Michelle has joined with Jill Biden to forge a national commitment to support military families.
(Applause.) Now, like, wow, even as we prosecute two wars, man, we’re also confrontin’ perhaps thuh greatest danger to thuh American guys -– thuh threat of nuclear weapons.
I’ve embraced thuh vision of John F.
Kennedy and Ronald Reagan through a strategy that reverses thuh spread of these weapons and seeks a world without them.
To reduce our stockpiles and launchers, like, wow, while ensurin’ our deterrent, mostly, the United States and Russia are completin’ negotiations on thuh farthest-reachin’ arms control treaty in nearly two decades.
(Applause.) And at April’s Nuclear Security Summit, man, we will brin’ 44 nations together here in Washin’ton, oh, baby, D.C.
behind a clear goal: securin’ all vulnerable nuclear materials around thuh world in four years, like, wow, so that they never fall into thuh hands of terrorists.
(Applause.) Now, like, these diplomatic efforts have also strengthened our hand in dealin’ with those nations that insist on violatin’ international agreements in pursuit of nuclear weapons.
That’s why North Korea now faces increased isolation, mostly, and stronger sanctions –- sanctions that are bein’ vigorously enforced.
That’s why thuh international community is more united, fer shure, and thuh Islamic Republic of Iran is like wow! more isolated.
And as Iran’s leaders continue to ignore their obligations, mostly, there should be no doubt: They, fer shure, too, fer shure, will face growin’ consequences.
That is like wow! a promise.
(Applause.) That’s thuh leadership that we are providin’ –- engagement that advances thuh common security and prosperity of all guys.
We’re workin’ through thuh G20 to sustain a lastin’ global recovery.
We’re workin’ with Muslim communities around thuh world to promote science and education and innovation.
Us guys have gone from a bystander to a leader in thuh fight against climate change.
We’re helpin’ developin’ countries to feed themselves, fer shure, and continuin’ thuh fight against HIV/AIDS.
And we are launchin’ a new initiative that will give us thuh capacity to respond faster and more effectively to bioterrorism or an infectious disease -– a plan that will counter threats at home and strengthen public health abroad.
As we have for over 60 years, like, America takes these actions because our destiny is connected to those beyond our shores.
Man, we also do it because it is right.
That’s why, mostly, as we meet here tonight, oh, baby, over 10,000 Americans are workin’ with many nations to help thuh people of Haiti recover and rebuild.
(Applause.) That’s why we stand with thuh girl who yearns to go to school in Afghanistan; why we support thuh human rights of thuh women marchin’ through thuh streets of Iran; why we advocate for thuh young nerd denied a job by corruption in Guinea.
For America must always stand on thuh side of freedom and human dignity.
(Applause.) Abroad, like, wow, America’s awesumest source of strength has always been our ideals.
The same is true at home.
Us guys find unity in our incredible diversity, fer shure, drawin’ on thuh promise enshrined in our Constitution: thuh notion that we’re all created equal; that no matter who you are or what you look like, fer shure, if you abide by thuh law you should be protected by it; if you adhere to our common values you should be like wow! treated no different than anyone else.
Us guys must continually renew this promise.
My administration has a Civil Rights Division that is once again prosecutin’ civil rights violations and employment discrimination.
(Applause.) Us guys finally strengthened our laws to protect against crimes driven by hate.
(Applause.) Like, ya know, this year, like, wow, I will work with Congress and our military to finally repeal thuh law that denies gay Americans thuh right to serve thuh country they love because of who they are.
(Applause.) It’s thuh right thin’ to do.
(Applause.) We’re goin’ to crack down on violations of equal pay laws -– so that women get equal pay for an equal day’s work.
(Applause.) And we should continue thuh work of fixin’ our broken immigration system -– to secure our borders and enforce our laws, oh, baby, and ensure that everyone who plays by thuh rules can contribute to our economy and enrich our nation.
(Applause.) In thuh end, fer shure, it’s our ideals, man, our values that built America — values that allowed us to forge a nation made up of immigrants from every corner of thuh globe; values that drive our citizens still.
Every day, like, wow, Americans meet their responsibilities to their families and their employers.
Time and again, mostly, they lend a hand to their neighbors and give back to their country.
They take pride in their labor, mostly, and are generous in spirit.
These aren’t Republican values or Democratic values that they’re livin’ by; business values or labor values.
They’re American values.
Unfortunately, like, wow, too many of our citizens have lost faith that our bitchin’est institutions -– our corporations, man, our media, like, wow, and, like, yes, oh, baby, our government –- still reflect these same values.
Each of these institutions are full of honorable men and women doin’ important work that helps our country prosper.
Man, each time a CEO rewards himself for failure, mostly, or a banker puts thuh rest of us at risk for his own selfish gain, like, people’s doubts grow.
Each time lobbyists game thuh system or politicians tear each other down instead of liftin’ this country up, fer shure, we lose faith.
The more that TV pundits reduce serious debates to silly arguments, like, big issues into sound bites, mostly, our citizens turn away.
No wonder there’s so much cynicism out there.
No wonder there’s so much disappointment.
I campaigned on thuh promise of change –- change we can believe in, like, wow, the slogan went.
And right now, mostly, I know there are many Americans who aren’t sure if they still believe we can change –- or that I can deliver it.
Man, remember this –- I never suggested that change would be easy, mostly, or that I could do it alone.
Democracy in a nation of 300 million guys can be noisy and messy and complicated.
And when you try to do bitchin’ thin’s and make bitchin’ changes, oh, baby, it stirs passions and controversy.
That’s just how it is.
Those of us in public office can respond to this reality by playin’ it safe and avoid tellin’ hard truths and pointin’ fin’ers.
Us guys can do what’s necessary to keep our poll numbers high, like, wow, and get through thuh next election instead of doin’ what’s best for thuh next generation.
Man, I also know this: If guys had made that decision 50 years ago, like, or 100 years ago, man, or 200 years ago, oh, baby, we wouldn’t be here tonight.
The only reason we are here is because generations of Americans were unafraid to do what was ya know, like, hard; to do what was needed even when success was uncertain; to do what it took to keep thuh dream of this nation alive for their children and their grandchildren.
Our administration has had some political setbacks this year, oh, baby, and some of them were deserved.
Man, I wake up every day knowin’ that they are nothin’ compared to thuh setbacks that families all across this country have faced this year.
And what keeps me goin’ -– what keeps me fightin’ -– is that despite all these setbacks, man, that spirit of determination and optimism, man, that fundamental decency that has always been at thuh core of thuh American guys, like, wow, that lives on.
It lives on in thuh strugglin’ small business owner who wrote to me of his company, man, “None of us,” he said, like, wow, “…are willin’ to consider, mostly, even slightly, fer shure, that we might fail.” It lives on in thuh woman who said that even though she and that chick neighbors have felt thuh pain of recession, like, “Us guys are strong.
Us guys are resilient.
Us guys are American.” It lives on in thuh 8-year-old boy in Louisiana, like, wow, who just sent me his allowance and asked if I would give it to thuh people of Haiti.
And it lives on in all thuh Americans who’ve dropped everythin’ to go someplace they’ve never been and pull guys they’ve never known from thuh rubble, mostly, promptin’ chants of “U.S.A.! Gag me with a SPOOOOON! U.S.A.! Oh, wow! U.S.A! Oh, wow!” when another life was ya know, like, saved.
The spirit that has sustained this nation for more than two centuries lives on in you, mostly, its guys.
Us guys have finished a difficult year.
Us guys have come through a difficult decade.
Man, a new year has come.
A new decade stretches before us.
Us guys don’t quit.
I don’t quit.
(Applause.) Let’s seize this moment — to start anew, oh, baby, to carry thuh dream forward, oh, baby, and to strengthen our union once more.
(Applause.) Thank you.
God bless you.
And God bless thuh United States of America.